ohmygod, I can't believe that happened.

I interrupt my informal bloggy break, to bring you the latest news on my Mama Drama. It's been a reoccurring theme over the years for me to write a bit about my relationship with my mother and the journey that I've taken to move on from the things that happened in my childhood and to accept who my mother is and how we connect. That's been a tough journey, let me tell you. And all that was put on hold for the last two years because I suddenly fell out of contact with my mom... again. The last time I spoke to her was more than two years ago, just before I gave birth to my Littlest.

And then last night, it finally happened. An aunt sent me my mother's phone number, and I did it right there and then. I picked up the phone and without thinking about it too much or stressing about it, I called her. And I'm still a bit of an emotional wreck all these hours later. Because oh, dear readers, it was such a good phone call, even if I nearly burst into tears the moment she said 'hello.' There were so many things that I always remember about that phone call. And I do mean always. The way she gasped and was left speechless after I said 'Hi, this is Michelle' and she said 'ohmygodit'sbeenageshowareyou?' followed immediately by, 'tell me about my grandsons.' Was there a more perfect thing for her to say to me? I don't think so.

We didn't really bring up the fact that it's been so long more than just that one sentence. And it felt right, not to bring up the past or lay the blame on either of us. It felt like a step in the right direction. It happened, now we can move on, and see if there's anything left of US to save.

And while she (and I) said 'I love you' before we hung up, the conversation wasn't all lovey-dovey or anything, and it makes sense that it wasn't. It's been so long and that's just not us. In fact, it was mostly conversational, we both talked a lot about things that had happened to us that day. And I think that was partly because it was a little awkward and there were a lot of nervous silences, but it was OK. And really what I needed. I know that this is a dangerous place that I've found myself in, this hope that I feel that we could have a relationship after so many years and everything we've gone through. My poor heart could be badly hurt again if she changes her number again without telling me, if years go by without hearing from her, but I think I need this hope right now, I feel like I'm ready to have her in my life. Right now, this hope is lifting me up.

And I'm incredibly happy. And I felt like I had to share this with you. It's a tentative happiness right now, but after all these years? I'll take it.