REVIEW: A Semi-Definitive List of Worst Nightmares by Krystal Sutherland

Oh I adored A Semi-Definitive List of Worst Nightmares by Krystal Sutherland.  Adored it.  And it was such a surprise of a book too.  You know how when sometimes a certain title or a specific cover design just speaks to you on another level?  That's what it was for me with this book.  I really had no idea what I was getting into when I started reading this book but something about the title and especially that lobster just really appealed to me and it meant I had to read it, just to find out what it meant.  And as I said, it was love.

I remember that I did read the synopsis of the book before I read it but I'm pretty sure I didn't really understand what was going on from the brief blurb.  And that's okay with me, I actually really love the idea of going into a story blind.  But if you're not into the blind-reading thing, then this book is about Esther and her family.  Esther and the Solar family believe that their lives are consumed by One Big Fear and that eventually each family member will die because of their fears.  Esther's brother's fear is the dark, her father's is agoraphobia, her mother is superstitious about bad luck.  Esther isn't sure what her Big Fear is yet but she still lives in fear and carries around a list of her fears that could potentially be The One. 

Then one day, Esther gets pick-pocketed by Jonah Smallwood, someone she used to know in elementary school.  And despite this theft of epic proportions (he stole a fruit roll-up) Esther and Jonah become friends and Jonah ends up helping Esther confront her fears one at a time to show her that life is about more than fear.

I'm finding it difficult to put into words how much I loved this book.  It's very quirky.  Esther and Jonah and everybody who populates this book has their own little quirks and ways of speaking.  Esther is continuously dressing up in outlandish ways, her brother and their entire family are all just so ...different.  But I felt like it just worked within this story. 

There's also a sort of magical realism vibe to the book, some sort of magical quality because of Esther's view of the world of the world, of her family, of the curse and her view of herself.  I loved the ways in which serious topics such as mental illness are discussed in this book and I thought that the story unfolded in a way that was both believable and hit the right tone.  I thought there were some fascinating characters in this book, some really sweet relationships and friendships.  And the Solar family will definitely be a family that I remember for a very long time. 

But it's definitely Esther and Jonah that stole my heart in this book. I feel like reading this book all over again in order to spend more time with them, getting to know them both as they got to know each other.  I really do recommend this book.

REVIEW: Wishbones by Virginia Macgregor

Wishbones by Virginia Macgregor was a book that I wasn't expecting to be sent for review and that would normally mean that it isn't as high a priority to read as other books in my possession.  But something about this book intrigued me. I liked the idea of it being set in the UK, I'm all for supporting UKYA of course.  I also like the idea of a book exploring elements of mental health and the idea around the story of a very obese woman.  And while I had hoped to really like this book ... I felt that the idea of the book was better than the actuality of the story.  

Feather is our main character in this book.  She really wants two things out of life: for her mother to get better and to win the junior swim championships. The second goal is pretty straightforward, she needs to work hard and concentrate. However it's the first goal that really proves more challenging.  

On New Year's Eve, Feather comes home to find her mother in a diabetic coma.  This is obviously very traumatic for her and her parents.  Feather is determined to do whatever it takes to help her mother become healthier.  She thinks maybe it'll just take a better diet and some exercise to fix things, however, Feather soon realises that her mother's health, like most things in life, are so much more complicated and Feather begins this detective journey in order to unravel her mother's personal history and get to the root causes of her mom's obesity. 

My main problem with Wishbones ended up being two-fold.  The first is that Feather's voice felt very young.  She comes across as being really innocent and naive, much younger than one would imagine she would be respective of her age.  It wasn't that she was young or naive that was the problem, it was that she didn't feel believable for her age.  The second problem was that the author's voice is quite patronising throughout.  It really started to grate on my nerves but wasn't such a persistent problem that it made me quit reading but it did hamper my enjoyment of the story.  Which is a shame, as there was elements of the story that I were really intriguing. 

REVIEW: History Is All You Left Me by Adam Silvera

Oh this book absolutely broke me.  There's such a sense of intensity in this book, so much so that I ended up needing breaks to just recover from how very sad or beautiful or honest it all felt.  I love books like this that make me feel so entirely.  History Is All You Left by Adam Silvera was such a heart-breaker of a book about love and friendship and grief.  I loved every second of it.

History Is All You Left Me is told in two parts.  The first part is in the past where the main character, Griffin, tells us of the progression in his relationship with Theo: from best friend, to boyfriend and eventually to ex-boyfriend.  This part of the story was so sweet and romantic and is filled with so much adorableness.  The second part tells us Griffin's reactions to the tragic death of Theo and the ways in which he deals with his grief.  Obviously these sections made me feel like my heart was being forcibly ripped out of my chest as the reader ends up mourning this huge loss together with Griffin.

I think what I loved so much about this book is how much Adam Silvera made me feel about all of the characters.  I ended up falling in love with both Theo (through Griffin's perspective) and also with Griffin.  I felt really emotionally connected to both these characters right from the start and I thought it was really skillfully done.  So much of the book is about remembering the details of this past relationship but also trying to work out a way in which to move on and dealing with tremendous emotions, especially those of guilt that Griffin feels.

The introduction of Jackson, Theo's new (and current at the time of Theo's death) boyfriend complicates everything further.  Because Griffin is sort of lost in his own grief and the only person who he feels understands that specific feeling is Jackson.  So while there are elements of competition (who feels stronger for Theo, who might Theo have loved more, who knew Theo better than the other) they end forming this rather odd and very unlikely friendship.

This book says quite a lot about relationships and the ways in which friendships and relationships vary wildly from different people and how they really aren't comparable in any way.  I loved the nerdiness of the boys involved and I love the ways in which Griffin and Theo's relationship impacts on the friendship with their other best friend.  Also, major bonus points for including a main character who is both gay and suffers from OCD. Intersectional stories make my heart happy.

History Is All You Left Me was such an incredible story: sad, beautiful and emotional.  I can't wait to read more by Adam Silvera.

Top Ten Tuesday: Back To School

It isn't back to school here for another three more weeks or so but I thought I'd still take part in this week's Top Ten Tuesday which aims at looking at our favourite back to school books. I've chosen books that I love that are set in high schools.  In particular I love books like Some Girls Are which are all dark and intense and hard to read because that seems more indicative of my own high school experiences. But I've diversified the list to also include some lighter, happier reads too because I'm sure some of you had those experiences too? I sure hope so.

Top Ten Tuesday is hosted by The Broke and the Bookish

Some Girls Are by Courtney Summers

Some Girls Are by Courtney Summers is one the hardest most emotional stories that I can ever remember reading. I remember reading it and almost wailing out sobs as I read what this girl was going through, the lengths of bullying and torment she was facing, the guilt she was feeling for her part in betraying the only person willing to stick by her now.  It was some truly horrific stuff. And while I realise that this isn't everyone's high school story, it is for some. And I remember thinking it was incredible when I read it. Really hard-hitting and honest in its brutality.

Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver

It's been awhile since I read Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver but I did recently watch the film adaptation so I'm more familiar with the story line now than I was a week ago.  And I think what I liked about this book (better than other stories with a similar story line) is how our actions affect those around us. Especially in high school when it maybe feels easier to go along with things you know are wrong to fit in with a different crowd.

North of Beautiful by Justina Chen Headley

North of Beautiful by Justina Chen Headley is one of my favourite books. I really need to re-read it one of these days. What I really love about this book is kind of three-fold. 1) I love the exploration of image and identity. We see this with the main character's large facial birthmark, her mother being overweight and hiding in her fat and also Jacob's being Goth and also Chinese and the way in which he uses both to alter his image to other people. 2) the maps. I love maps utterly. 3) Terra's collages and general interest in art.  It inspired me no end when I read this book the first time.

The DUFF by Kody Keplinger

I think the film adaptation of The DUFF has my mind a little bit confused as to the premise of the story but I remember really loving this book.  About a girl whose family life is falling apart so jumps into bed anyway with a boy who called her the 'designated ugly fat friend'  I remember it being all about using sex as a distraction and working towards being okay with how she looks and her place within her friendship group.  I thought it was a great look at high school life and all of its uncertainties.

Saving Francesca by Melina Marchetta

I could have just as easily included Jellicoe Road onto this list as well and I'm sure nobody would have been surprised. It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of Melina Marchetta. But I included Saving Francesca because it probably means more to met.  I remember it being the first book I had read where the main character has to deal with a parent's mental illness and the profound effect that depression has on everyone else in the family.  It was an important book for me, this one.  It's also about a boy's school that it trying to be co-ed and how Francesca manages to find this amazing set of friends anyway.  I have heart-eyes for this book something fierce.

All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven

I remember being really blown away by this book when I first read it.  I didn't love the ending, but I did love the slow-build friendship to something more between Violet and Theodore.  What I particularly like is that people might be going through hard stuff all around you and you might not know it.  And you also might people and not realise the importance they'll have on your life.

Girlhood by Cat Clarke

Girlhood by Cat Clarke is the most recent book that is on this list.  I guess I haven't been reading that many books set in high school lately that have had an impact. But Girlhood definitely did. I love that it's a boarding school story, that it's set in Scotland. That the campus is old and rambling and has plenty of history and hidden places that lend itself to creepy traditions like locking new girls in a dark hole overnight with only a handful of matches.  This book is about friendship and grief and I adored it.

The Rest Of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness

What I love so much about this book is that it's about normal teenagers living their lives while some other drama is happening around them and potentially the world is ending.  And it's still just them navigating school and friendships and love and working out who they are.  I loved that about this book and I love the way Patrick Ness writes.

Simon Vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albetalli

And I had to include something just utterly happy-making. And that's what this book is for me.  Yes, there is the whole blackmailing you thing but I try not to think about that. Instead I think of how incredibly sweet Simon and Blue's relationship is in this book.  It's two boys who fall in love with each other online while probably running into each other every day at school and not even really knowing it.  They are entirely cute and I couldn't love this book any more than I do.

Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan

And finally we have Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan.  The high school in this book is straight out of a fantasy world where differences are celebrated and it's the crazy-wonderful universe in which the prom queen is trans, the cheerleaders ride motorcycles and the entire cast of this delightful story are all weird and fantastic and I dare anyone to read this book and not fall in love.

What are your favourite stories set in high school?

REVIEW: Everything Beautiful Is Not Ruined by Danielle Younge-Ullman

Everything Beautiful Is Not Ruined by Danielle Younge-Ullman is a book entirely unlike the one I expected to read.  I honestly picked this book up because it has this lovely summery looking cover and I mistakenly thought it'd be a fluffy, light romance. Instead this book is a hard-hitting look at family, mental illness, and finding the strength to carry on when times are tough.  It wasn't the book I was expecting but it was definitely a worthwhile read for and I'm really glad that I picked it up.

Everything Beautiful Is Not Ruined is told in two parts, Then and Now. Our main character, Ingrid, is at a three week intensive summer camp for 'at-risk youth' and while relaying her experiences of that ordeal she also walks us through her family history growing up with her larger-than-life opera singer mother, Margot-Sophia. We know that Margot-Sophia has asked Ingrid specifically to come to this survival camp but not the reasons why.

Honestly though, this book.  It was tough to read in parts.  And while I don't always love the dual time-line thing with the Then and Now, with this book I was pretty evenly gripped with finding out what had happened in the past and keeping updated with what was happening in the present. Ingrid was a character that I felt sympathy for right away.  You can tell she's gone through a lot in her young life and is just trying to get by.

It was interesting reading of experiences growing up, being immersed in this unusual lifestyle as her mother performed in different locations throughout Europe. The way Ingrid talks about her mother and the music that her mom produced was utterly lovely. The way her mom's music transported her to other plays, her skill and talent. Which I guess is why they both took it pretty hard when Margot-Sophia's singing career abruptly ends and mother and daughter end up living a semi-normal (boring) life in the suburbs.

Meanwhile, at this camp, Ingrid is struggling with the physicality of hiking in the woods with a huge pack, dealing with the lack of showers or clean clothes, sharing a tent. The other campers have quite serious problems: getting over addictions, getting out of jail etc. It seems that Ingrid doesn't quite belong ...but subtle hints throughout the narrative suggest the possibility that Ingrid is right where she belongs.

Together with the story about the music in the past and the hard work in the present, we also see Ingrid deal with her own romantic relationships: her friendship turned possibly something more in the past, and her dealings with the boy she shares her tent with in the present gave this story some much-needed areas of swoon.

In many ways, Ingrid's story felt very personal to me.  The uncertainty of her childhood is something I could relate to, as is the instability of Margot-Sophia's mental health throughout. I did love that Ingrid ended up holding on to some things in her life: her love of music and the calming influence of her step-father.  I really, really loved this book.

REVIEW: A Tragic Kind of Wonderful by Eric Lindstrom

Oh wow. I absolutely adored A Tragic Kind of Wonderful by Eric Lindstom. I had only read the author's debut book, Not If I See You First, earlier this year and I loved that too. So I requested A Tragic Kind of Wonderful based on the strength of his first book.  But when I found out that his new book is about a girl with bipolar disorder? I was immediately intrigued.  Books involving mental illnesses are amongst my favourite and I wanted to see how Eric Lindstrom would tackle the subject.  The result? was this wonderful, messy glimpse into Mel's life.

I say 'messy' because there's so much going on in this book.  It's obviously about Mel and Mel has bipolar disorder.  And while I loved the representation of that aspect of her life, I also really loved that the author explored Mel's life in so much other detail without it being too much, too heavy or too confusing to follow so many different strands to the story.

Because not only does Mel have bipolar disorder (that she was only diagnosed with recently!)  but she's also dealing with the grief of losing her older brother several years ago.  She's fallen out with her previous circle of friends once she was diagnosed because of her fear of them rejecting her but she's got a new set of friends now and she's wondering if she should admit her condition to them or risk losing them like the last bunch?  She's got kind of a complicated relationship within her family, especially with her aunt who also has bipolar disorder and a much different view of living with this illness.  AND! she meets a cute boy through one of the residents of the retirement home where she works. I loved how all the elements of this story are pulled together, I love that Eric Lindstrom provides this great, realistic glimpse into Mel's life, including all of the complications. Real life is messy and complicated and Mel's story reflects that.  And I hugely appreciated that.

Obviously bipolar is something that features strongly in this book.  Something that is brought up in this book which I hadn't seen before is this middle bit of bipolar which is in between the depressive episodes and the mania (the highs and lows!) and I don't think I've seen that written about or explored the way this book did.  Mel begins each chapter by comparing different aspects of her condition (mood, heart rate etc) with different animals and through the four different elements works out what type of state she's in and I found it all to be quite fascinating.  She's also seeing a therapist and I loved sitting in on some of those appointments.  Throughout the book, Mel also brings up her thoughts on medication and her Aunt has an opposing view which provided an interesting contrast.

There are some incredibly emotional aspects of the book that I felt were down to the great characterisation and also the great relationships.  In particular, I loved Mel's relationship with her aunt just because they're so different and it was interesting to me to see two people with bipolar but had such wildly differing experiences and opinions on how to deal with this disorder.  I also loved David, the love interest.  There's a great mini-story line that includes a toxic relationship which I found intriguing but I think my favourite relationships, by far, included Mel's relationships with the people that she works with in the retirement home. Silver Sands retirement home had some wonderful characters and Mel's friendship with retired psychiatrist, Dr. Oswald had me in tears.

This is such a wonderful book.  I loved so many elements of this book that I feel like I could talk endlessly about this book.  But I won't. I will just recommend it very highly!

REVIEW: Consumed by Abbie Rushton

Consumed by Abbie Rushton was a really, easy readable book.   Right from the beginning I wanted to know more about the two main characters, Myla and Jamie and I wanted to know more about their individual situations. I liked that the story includes some aspects of mental health but at the heart of it, Consumed is a thriller and the identity of who did it kept me guessing!

The two main characters are Myla and Jamie and they're sort of thrown together in a well-meaning attempt at kindness between Myla's parents and Jamie's aunt.  Myla is suffering from panic attacks and agoraphobia after the murder of her sister two years ago, and Jamie is staying with his aunt for the summer following some troubles at home and a problem with eating. It is thought that perhaps the two could be good for each other and, after a rocky start, they seem to be!

I liked that the two main characters are both dealing with mental illnesses.  While I feel like Rushton's portrayal of Myla's agoraphobia and panic attacks didn't feel quite like it hit the spot for me and that perhaps other authors have done this better, I did appreciate the addition of a male teenager with an eating disorder.  I'd very much like to see more of this in YA. Jamie is really struggling throughout this story about eating and control and I really liked that his aunt in particular was quite supportive of Jamie's route towards recovery.

Aside from the thriller aspects, which I'll get to in a minute, and the mental health issues, my favourite part of the book is that Myla is a food blogger and spends a great deal of her time indoors cooking food and writing blog posts about food.  I'd love to read some of her blog posts! I loved the variety from the origins of carrot cake, Mauritian food, and her attempts at the perfect recipe for chilli brownies, I think it'd make for fascinating reading.

In fact, Myla spends a lot of her time online. From updating her blog, her online friendship with a girl called Eve ... but she's also interested in setting up a website that exonerates the man who has been convicted of her sister's murder.  This is obviously a contention between Myla and her family and is the basis of the thriller-ness of Consumed. I think the small-town setting helped this story along, as well as the different characters and how Abbie Rushton weaved everything together. I was definitely doubting many characters throughout the story unfolding and I love to be kept guessing like that!

So while there were some faults with Consumed it was definitely an interesting and pleasurable book to read and spend several hours with!

This book counts towards my British Books Challenge 2017!

New To Me Authors in 2016 and What I'll Read Next Because of Them

In 2016 I read...

The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien

I'd had this book on my shelves unread for many years. For most of my life I've avoided reading Vietnam-centred stories but I chose to read this book this year because of the connection it has with my father as well as a recommendation from a close friend.  I loved this book utterly.  It was beautifully written and an incredibly emotional reading experience for me.

Next, I think I'll pick up...

Other books about the Vietnam war, particularly maybe If I Die in A Combat Zone by Tim O'Brien, but also maybe Dispatches by Michael Herr or a book about the Vietnam War from a non-American perspective such as The Sorrow of War by Bao Ninh.  I would also like to read more short story anthologies on any topic. Hit me with your recommendations for either war stories or short story collections in comments!

Underwater by Marisa Reichardt, When We Collided by Emery Lord, A Quiet Kind of Thunder by Sara Barnard, and Under Rose-Tainted Skies by Louise Gornall

All four of these books were really well-written and were stories that had elements of mental illnesses.  Particularly OCD and agoraphobia. Because mental illness is something that is a large part of my life I think that I will always seek out books that deal with mental health issues.

Next, I think I'll pick up...

All of these books were incredible books that looked at different aspects of mental health. I'll definitely be on the look out for other books involving mental health in YA.  It's an area that I've already read extensively, so it might be difficult to give out recommendations for me in this area, but if you're feeling brave, I'd love to hear from you.  Books I've already got on my radar to possibly read in 2017 include Highly Illogical Behavior by John Corey Whaley, Paperweight by Meg Haston and The Unlikely Hero of Room 13B by Teresa Toten.

Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur 

I absolutely fell in love with Rupi Kaur's contemporay poetry examining love, recovery, picking oneself up after trauma.  She really captured so many relatable things in her poetry and I love her for it. Modern poetry really stole my heart this year.

Next, I think I'll pick up...

Just based on some Amazon recommendations, I've added two contemporary poetry collections to my wish list, based on the fact that I read and loved Milk and Honey: the princess saves herself in this one by Amanda Lovelace and salt by nayyirah waheed.

George by Alex Gino

I absolutely loved this middle grade book about a trans character.  I loved the story of it, I loved the characters. I love the simplistic cover and the feel-good message of George's story.  It was a wonderful book and I'm so glad to have read it this year.

Next, I think I'll pick up...

Other #ownvoices books, particularly for trans stories.  I have If I Were Your Girl by Meredith Russo on my kindle that I still haven't read.  I really need to get to it already.  Other own voices trans stories coming up in 2017 that I need to look out for?  Do let me know in comments!

What new to you authors have you discovered in 2016? And does that change your reading habits for 2017 like it does mine? 

REVIEW: Every Last Word by Tamara Ireland Stone

Wow, I really enjoyed Every Last Word by Tamara Ireland Stone. It's the story of a girl, Sam, who has Pure-O OCD. Pure-O is something I'd never heard of before but it focuses on obsessive thoughts instead of compulsions which OCD is more known for. I really enjoyed getting to know a little bit more about this and also about Sam and her life and friendships. 

I think the thing I liked the most about this book is the way that poetry is used to help struggling teenagers to battle through mental illness, heartbreak, grief, bullying and other really awful things that teenagers go through. Sam meets this band of misfits that don't really fit in and they become this great, comforting and supportive friendship group. Through words and song lyrics and poetry and they write all their thoughts and feelings down and share with the other members of the Poetry Corner in this really awesome, vulnerable, brave way.

In direct opposition to the Poetry Corner group are Sam's 'best friends' the 'Crazy Eights' who are all for the most part manipulative, bitchy mean girls who treat Sam really badly and leave her feeling uncertain and unwanted and unsure about where she fits in. It feels easy to just think Sam should walk away from this group of girls but it's all she's known for such a long time and I could understand why it was so difficult for her. 

And while I don't think that the romantic elements of the story between Sam and AJ were at the heart of the novel, I did like them together. It was an interesting to see them become what they did after Sam and her friends bullied him when they were all younger. I'm not sure if that was quite believable but perhaps I'm just not as forgiving as AJ is. 

My favourite thing about the whole book is witnessing Sam's progression throughout the novel from someone very unsure of herself to someone happy and confident and able to share with those closest to her. I was really drawn to her as a character and I always, always wanted the best for her. I loved her friendship with Caroline, I loved how she described her experiences in the swimming pool and I especially loved reading her raw, honest poetry. 

This book inspired me. To read more about Pure-O and to try my hand at some of my own poetry.

REVIEW: Jessica's Ghost by Andrew Norriss

I knew very little about Jessica's Ghost by Andrew Norriss before I started reading it. Only that it came with high praise by people whose opinions I trust. I sat down to read this book and it felt a little bit like the whole rest of the world fell away while I was reading. Nothing else mattered and I was wrapped up in this beautiful and gentle story.

I absolutely adored Jessica's Ghost.  It is a wonderful story about friendship and embracing our differences and it explores some very heavy topics such as depression and suicide with a very light and gentle touch. This book is adorable but also very important.  The only thing I really knew about this book beforehand is that this book features a ghost, called Jessica. But it's also so much more than that.

Jessica's Ghost is for a middle grade audience but it's one of those books that can be enjoyed by people of any age.  It starts off with Francis, this isolated boy who has no friends and doesn't seem to fit in anywhere. He's sitting on a bench at school and a girl sits next to him, Jessica.  And that's where this incredible story starts. With Francis and Jessica becoming friends. And they both mean a huge deal to each other because with Jessica Francis can be himself and share his passion without fear of judgement and Jessica is thrilled that somebody can see her at long last.

Together Francis and Jessica meet other people who feel like they live on the outside of normality. Either because of their appearance or interests or behaviour. And though they are all different they realise that they have things in common, even if it just that they can all see Jessica. And I loved the heartwarming overall message of being different is okay.

What I love the most about this book is that from the start this book was always just a great story with great writing and then it becomes something larger than itself and I love the way in which the darker elements to this story are introduced.  I think it's wonderful to see a book aimed at a younger audience that deals so wonderfully with topics such as suicide and depression and what to do if you a) feel like this or b) know somebody who does.

Jessica's Ghost is a beautiful story with a wonderful message and deserves to be very widely read.

Interview with David Owen, author of Panther

I'm really happy today to be taking part in the blog tour for Panther by David Owen and today I will be sharing this interview with David Owen. I quite like it, I hope you will as well.  Panther was published at the beginning of the month, do look out for it! 

I definitely would like to see more books discussing mental illness and families! If you'd like to know more about Panther or David Owen, do visit the following websites...

David Owen ... David on Twitter

Hello and welcome to Fluttering Butterflies! Could you please introduce yourself and tell us a little something about your book, Panther?  

Thank you for having me! I’m David Owen, and Panther is my debut novel. Which is exciting. I was inspired to write after ‘A Monster Calls’ by Patrick Ness forced me to choke back tears while crammed onto a train with three different stag parties. The use of magic realism to tell a deeply emotional story was something that interested me straight away.

Panther contains some really heavy issues - disordered eating, bullying, depression, suicide - were there any scenes or aspects of the book that you found more difficult to write or that you kept returning to in order to get right? 

It felt important to get all of those things right, so I felt a certain amount of pressure when writing about them. I put a lot of work in to make sure I didn't over-simplify or disrespect anything or anyone. Hopefully I was successful.

Probably the hardest individual scene to write was Derrick’s binge-eating. That’s something I've struggled with for many years, particularly when I was a teenager, so having to call all of that up was difficult at times. But it also helped me gain some idea about why I might do it.

Did you have an idea all along of the major plot lines in Panther or did they happen whilst writing? Was there ever a different ending in mind? 

The first thing I had was the ending (which obviously I won’t say much about here!). I knew who would be there and what would happen, and the final images were something I’d had in my head for a long time. From there it was a case of working out how the characters would find themselves at that point.

Panther is your debut book, congratulations! How have you found the experience so far? 

Thanks! It’s been great. The book sold 18 months ago, so it’s taken a long time! It’s been brilliant to work with my editors and everyone else involved behind the scenes. There’s so many of them! I had no idea. And they do so much work, with so little recognition. All I did was write the stupid book.  

There are some really complicated and emotional relationships in the story. Notably Derrick and his sister (but also Derrick and Tamoor) and these sort of sibling relationships are my favourites. Where do you draw your inspiration and do you have any favourite fictional siblings? 

I think sibling relationships are really interesting, because whether you like it or not you grow up knowing pretty much everything about each other. Then as you get older you often start being more private and keeping things from each other, and it’s a really surprise when you discover something you didn't know about them. That kind of relationship is ripe for drama and stories. Family secrets are always exciting!

There’s a host of great siblings in The Chronicles of Narnia, and Hazel and Fiver in Watership Down are particular favourites. They’re not sentimental about family, yet Hazel still has absolute faith in Fiver. 

There's a bit in the story about Derrick picking up on language used to describe his sister 'crazy' and 'mental' Is there a wish list that you have about things you'd like to change about the media and the public in general about their views of people with mental illness? 

I think it’s a matter of improving education and empathy. Having a mental illness, like depression, does not make someone crazy. It means they have an illness. But because it isn't as tangible as the likes of cancer or heart disease, it’s dismissed by many, or worse, demonised.

We saw it in the media recently with the pilot of Germanwings flight 4U9525 who was found to have suffered with depression. We can’t know what role that played in what he did, but the media reacted as if everyone with depression was dangerous. That’s millions of people. And not only is that deeply hurtful, it’s also hugely harmful. How many people will be put off seeking help because they’re scared of being branded crazy and dangerous? Depression doesn't make you hurt other people, it makes you hurt yourself, and this stigma will only make that worse.

We need to talk, we need to listen, and we need to understand.

I've read that Panther's story line is something you have experience of yourself - both a family member with depression and having depression yourself - how easy or difficult was it to write this story and draw on your experiences and at the same time tell Derrick's story? 

Having experienced depression from both sides made writing the book relatively straightforward, as I felt I had a good grip on the things I was writing about. But separating it from reality was difficult at first. There are undoubtedly traces of real people in my characters, particularly myself in Derrick, but despite what a lot of people I know think, the characters soon took on a life of their own and became very different to any real life counterparts. After that it was easy to make the distinction and tell Derrick’s story.

And finally, Panther was a book I was really looking forward to reading - what book, UKYA or not, are you most looking forward to reading this year? 

I’m stupidly excited to read the new Patrick Ness, ‘The Rest of Just Live Here,’ as I am a mega fan of his work. I’m also really looking forward to ‘Remix’ by Non Pratt, and the new Rainbow Rowell.

There are a few books I’m behind on, too. I still haven’t read the new Ishiguro or Murakami!

Thank you!

REVIEW: Panther by David Owen

Panther by David Owen wasn't an easy book to read.  It's a pretty short book and I sat down to read it thinking I'd whiz through it in a couple of hours.  And that didn't happen.  In fact, it took me almost three days to read the entirety its (roughly) 230 pages. And that is because this is a slim book packed full of issues and circumstances that are emotional and sometimes difficult and uncomfortable reading.  And I just felt like, though this book also includes humour and light-heartedness, that this book was one that needed long breaks in between chapters.

And maybe I'm not selling this book very well right now, but I felt like those breaks from reading were necessary because I was connecting with this story on an emotional level and I felt like a lot of it felt very realistic and that it captured some really intense things in a really great way.

Panther's main character is this overweight teenage boy called Derrick. At the beginning of this novel, Derrick is in his garden late at night, eating junk food out of the rubbish bin. It's a very hard scene to jump into this story with, but very indicative of what's to come, I felt. Because Panther is the story about Derrick and his family and how him and his mother are coping with the depression and suicide attempt of Derrick's older sister, Charlotte.

Derrick is also dealing with bullies at school, the fall-out in the friendship with his old best friend, Tamoor, and his unrequited feelings for one of his sister's friends, Hadley. So, things aren't going so great for Derrick. Which, I think, is probably why he turns to disordered eating in order to have some control over one aspect of his life. Derrick also has this misguided belief that if he somehow manages to capture and prove the existence of a rumoured panther in the area that things will become better for Charlotte and his whole family and he really throws himself into this task.

I felt like Derrick and his mother both fall into the same sort of mindset. The one that says 'things will be different when...' and for Derrick, he believes this will be when he captures the panther and for Derrick's mom, it seems to be when Charlotte goes off to university and faces this bright future that Charlotte had ahead of her. These sort of thoughts are so common but can also be really damaging as it doesn't address the problems at hand.

I think one of the things that I think Panther did very well is to illustrate both how much the rest of a family is affected by one person's depression and the ways things change because of it and also paints a really great and complicated relationship between siblings. Charlotte's depression has very clear effect on the rest of her family.  Through Derrick and Charlotte's mother you can see a lot of fear and worry and I felt like Derrick became very uncertain of everything.

It isn't a perfect story. At times, I really didn't like Derrick as a character and the ending isn't my favourite. But I also think that this book was really interesting and had thought-provoking things to say about depression and families and about how who we are and things we do plays an important part in the people around us.

YA Books About Suicide

I've noticed that there's quite the trend with books involving suicide. Especially being published at the beginning of this year.  I've read three of the four books pictured and the fourth is one that I'm really hoping to read soon.  I think that they all say something different about suicide and actually, I really like that this topic is one so prevalent in young adult fiction lately.  I think that a lot of teenagers struggle and that a lot of teens could benefit from reading and exploring the subject of suicide in a safe manner.  Different angles and takes on the subject are always good, I feel, and I'm glad that these books exist.

I Was Here is the latest offering from Gayle Forman, one of my favourite authors.  I didn't know anything about it before I picked it up to read because I requested it from NetGalley based on the author's name alone.  But it's the story of a girl whose best friend has committed suicide and she tries to uncover what happened in her friend's last few months as their friendship sort of drifted apart.  While it didn't reach the same emotional height, for me, as If I Stay or Where She Went, I still thought it was really interesting and emotional.  It kind of showed how messy and complicated things like family and friendships and relationships can be.  Plus, it also touches a bit on suicide support websites which is something that the other books on this list also do. Published 29 January from Simon and Schuster

All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven is an incredibly beautiful book, one that absolutely broke my heart.  I was pulled instantly into this story and felt incredibly emotionally invested in the two main characters. This story is told from a dual perspective from both Violet and Finch. And as the story begins both characters are on the top of the school's bell tower considering jumping.  One talks the other from jumping and the rest of the story is of their friendship.  Published 8 January from Penguin.

The Last Leaves Falling by Sarah Benwell is my favourite book from this list. It's set in Japan and tells the story of Sora, a teenager who has a motor neurodegenerative disease that means his quality of life is being slowly compromised by his condition. What I loved about this book so much is how it discusses how suicide rates in Japan is much higher than the rest of the world and some of the reasons for that. This book is very much a book about friendship and family and about finding hope and strength in difficult times. It's a beautifully written debut book and I very highly recommend it. Published 29 January from Random House.

My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Varga is the most recent book I've read being published early this year concerning suicide. This book was sent to me unsolicited so I didn't know that's what it was about when I sat down to read it. I was mostly just attracted to the unusual title and interesting cover. But this story is one of a suicide pact between two teenagers who meet via another suicide support website. They set a date in a month's time but then spend that month getting to know each other and finding out each other's stories and what led them both to wanting to commit suicide. It was quite a sweet book and while I wanted the ending to be slightly longer, I did really enjoy the story, the characters and the message portrayed in this book. Published 10 February by Hodder.


Other books involving suicide that you might want to look out for: This Song Will Save Your Life by Leila Sales, Undone by Cat Clarke, Kite Spirit by Sita Brahmachari, Saving June by Hannah Harrington and Fall For Anything by Courtney Summers.

What do you think about books involving suicide?

REVIEW: Lies Like Love by Louisa Reid

Lies Like Love by Louisa Reid is one of those books that will stay with me for a very long time.  It's an uncomfortable, unsettling and it made me feel a whole range of feelings from rage and disappointment and frustration, hope, and ultimately a sorrowful sadness.  I love how emotional the experience of reading this book was for me and I was quite surprised by how much of an impact this book had on me.

It probably shouldn't have been a surprise for me though, as I knew going into this book that it would be a story about mental illness and about a complicated relationship between a mother and daughter.  And I thought both major aspects of the book were done really well. And aside from this I also really enjoyed the secondary characters and the way in which the reader is slowly let into more of the story.

Lies Like Love is told from a dual-perspective. We get into the heads of both Audrey, a teenage girl who has just moved into this old building with her mother and little brother, and also Leo, a neighbour who has experience and an understanding of the effects of mental illness.  Both Audrey and Leo share their own stories and while Audrey's story feels more prominent and features more throughout the book, I also really loved hearing more about Leo and his relationship with his mother whose expectations of perfection and over-achievement led Leo to a nervous breakdown and to move in with his more relaxed aunt.

I found Audrey to be quite the unreliable narrator as we learn some things about the reasons behind her family's move and about some of her depression and self-harm and the ways in which these things manifest themselves in her life and the effect it has on her and her family.  There are numerous trips to the hospital and doctor visits for Audrey's depression and her self-harm. I found it really difficult to read how Audrey's mother is in full control over Audrey's treatment and also what is being explained on Audrey's behalf to medical professionals but I think that this idea that Audrey finds it difficult to put into words how much she battles with her demons is an important aspect of this book.  As the story goes on however, it is shown slowly that there is more to Audrey's issues than the reader first realises.

And while Lies Like Love is certainly heavy in parts and it covers really serious and also a difficult range of topics, there is also tenderness and hope and beauty in this story. Some love can be cause for destruction and pain but there is also some types of love like Audrey's love for her little brother and there is also the budding feelings between Audrey and Leo that really balance out some of the other darker elements of this story which was much needed.

Lies Like Love was not an easy read. At times it felt haunting, unsettling and deeply uncomfortable.  I couldn't read anything after I finished this book because I felt so strongly about the events that happened and all of my thoughts about it were still swirling around in my head long after the book ended.  It really has been awhile since I read a book that so powerfully affected me and I'm so glad that I picked up this book to read.  I do really recommend it!

Mental health issues and Lies Like Love by Louisa Reid

Today I have the great pleasure of having Louisa Reid, the UKYA author of Black Heart Blue and Lies Like Love on my blog.  It's especially nice because Louisa is here talking about one of my favourite topics, mental health issues.  

Lies Like Love is Louisa's most recent book out and it was published on the 3rd of July by Penguin Books.  If you'd like to know more about Lies Like Love or Louisa Reid, do visit the following websites: 

Louisa Reid ... Louisa on Twitter ... Louisa on Facebook 

Mental Health Issues and Lies Like Love

by Louisa Reid

Some of my favourite protagonists are those who are dealing with what we in the 21st century call mental health issues. I wonder what name Shakespeare had for Lady Macbeth's guilt, or Lear's dementia or Ophelia's desperation. Probably for the female characters it would have been hysteria (because of course, if you're a woman, your womb is bound to drive you mad) and for the male characters- dotage or madness. Shakespeare's nuanced and individualised representations of each of these characters' descent into insanity makes it obvious that he was aware that every individual experience of psychological problems is utterly different.

I think Rebecca in Black Heart Blue was experiencing deep psychological trauma but I never really put a name to it. Her grief at Hephzi's death and her haunted terror at living locked up in the vicarage were a torture and torment- so like the narrator in another of my favourite stories, The Yellow Wallpaper, the walls in her room fill with bulging reminders of the secrets she is forced to guard. Likewise, in Lies Like Love my protagonist Audrey isn't well. Her mother, Lorraine, wants to know what exactly it is that is troubling her - in fact it's her life's work to find out -  and Audrey wants to be "normal" too; so she visits the doctors and takes the pills she's given and tries her best to keep on going and to face down The Thing which drags her into the depths of despair.
Audrey's biggest problem, though, is that she really can't talk about how she feels without destroying her family. She's another keeper of secrets, fighting to keep the truth of her life buried in her subconscious: it's just too awful to face. And of course this makes her ill, an illness which manifests itself in self-harm and, perhaps, an attempted suicide.

The decision to write about such tricky subjects such as self-harm and mental illness wasn't one I took lightly. But I think we need books which help to make it OK to talk about how it feels to experience psychological pain and its consequences in everyday life. Audrey feels different, she's picked on and singled out, is bullied and taunted because she can't quite keep things together. I totally understand why Audrey won't talk to people who try to help her. She feels ashamed, I think, and her silence is self-defence. All her barriers are up because she doesn't think anyone will ever understand exactly what she's experiencing and that they will judge her harshly, blame her perhaps, or even worse, not believe her. I've never had the type of depression myself which has utterly disabled me, but I've had times when I've felt pretty awful and close to desperate, and I've never, ever told anyone about it. I remember after I had my first baby and the health visitor showed up with her list of boxes to tick for post-natal depression and how appalling that made me feel. But I slapped on a smile and told her I was fine. Eventually I was, thank God, but I could quite easily not have been. Even writing that down here makes me feel rather uncomfortable and I think that probably makes me a coward. I have huge admiration for people, especially young people, who are brave enough to be open about their mental health and I hope that in Lies Like Love readers see how vital it is to talk about how they're feeling, to be honest, to help yourself by speaking to someone you can trust. Audrey had her trust betrayed long ago and I think that's why she's so suspicious of doctors and therapists and why she remains so guarded. I reckon that readers might find themselves shouting at Audrey: "Just tell them what's going on!" - but she can't.

Deep breath required now, I think! After all that, I guess I've made Lies Like Love sound like a very intense book. It probably is. But it's also a love story and a bit of a thriller and I hope it is also a book about how love isn't always lies and that there are some bonds which are impossible to break. Audrey has to face the truth and deal with it, to save herself and her brother too.  Like Rebecca, she's a survivor and she doesn't give up without a fight.

Image and anxiety in Crash Into You by Katie McGarry

I absolutely love the novels by Katie McGarry that I've read: Pushing the Limits, Dare You To and Crash Into You.  I didn't think any book could top my love for Echo and Noah as I love them so much ... but I loved Crash Into You more. Something about Isaiah breaks and melts my heart simultaneously.

And one of the major things that I love the most about this book is the inclusion of Rachel's panic attacks. I do enjoy it when an author includes mental health issues into a storyline in such a way (like therapy was a big part of Pushing the Limits' storyline). Here is a vlog I did for Bookish Brits today:

Also, I included the US covers of Pushing the Limits, Dare You To and Crash Into You because those are the covers I prefer. The UK covers look very different! 

And please do follow Bookish Brits: on YouTube, on Twitter, on Facebook, on Tumblr. Thanks!

Suicide (Mental Health Awareness)

Welcome to my new feature in which I talk a bit about the books I'm reading, mental health issues, my own experiences and the way in which all three of these things are connected.  

Suicide and my own suicidal thoughts as a teenager are topics that I've already discussed on this blog recently so I hope nobody minds that I return to this subject briefly with this post.

As a teenager, I felt very alone.  I was living in a very toxic environment and in response to major events that happened and also because of the complicated relationships that I have with members of my family, I went through a period of time in which I felt as though there was no hope of things getting any better.  I felt like I was trapped in a situation that would continue to torment me and I had no idea that things getting better was even a possibility.  It was difficult for me to envisage a future for myself because I didn't feel as though I had one.

And the thing that gets to me looking back on everything from the distance of time is that I never asked for help. Of anyone.  I never told anybody what I was going through, I didn't tell anyone the thoughts that I was having or what I was feeling.  I never spoke up or asked for help and because of that nobody really knew how much I was floundering or how close to that edge I was standing. If I could, I'd love to go back and shake teenage me and remind her of all the caring and supportive people that surrounded me as I was growing up who would have done what they could to help me if only I'd gotten over my shame and fear.

So far this year I've read two books in which the main focus of the storyline involves the death of a best friend by suicide. Those two books are Undone by Cat Clarke and Kite Spirit by Sita Brahmachari. Undone is a really great and emotional book which includes letters between friends and a main character who is really struggling with the grief of losing the person she was closest to.  But I think the reasons that I loved the book so much is because of different things aside from Kai's suicide.

And then there's Kite Spirit by Sita Brahmachari in which how Dawn's suicide leaves such a big impact on Kite is what is at the centre of the novel.  I was reading this book and what struck me the most with it is how safe and comforting it felt to read and to explore the idea of suicide in a non-threatening way.

Yes, it was very sad and touching in many places but I love how much the bulk of the story is about Kite dealing with her grief and also her anger and guilt and frustration over her best friend committing suicide. And she does that surrounded by a wonderful support network - her parents, her teachers, friends, strangers, people she knows through her different hobbies.  And she's in the countryside away from a lot of the pressures of her daily life and she is really fully able to relax and look back on how different Dawn and Kite are. Her memories of Dawn appear different in hindsight and Kite really goes over Dawn's behaviour before she took her own life with feeling isolated and under pressure.

And as I said, I loved reading about Kite and how she has such loving parents and a support network and connections to her family and to other people and hobbies that are important to her and that she finds somebody in which to share her thoughts and feelings with.  All of these things I didn't have growing up and I have them now. Finding these things is important to everyone.

 I have read other books dealing with suicidal thoughts (Crash Into Me by Albert Borris, By the Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead by Julie Anne Peters) and also dealing with the suicide of a loved one (Saving June by Hannah Harrington, Fall For Anything by Courtney Summers) but do you have any recommendations for other YA novels that touch on this topic? 

And if you are dealing with suicidal thoughts yourself or are worried about somebody that you know, I do urge you to speak to somebody right away.

NHS website ... Mind ... the Samaritans

Panic attacks and anxiety (Mental Health Awareness)

Welcome to my new feature in which I talk a bit about the books I'm reading, mental health issues, my own experiences and the way in which all three of these things are connected.  

Today I'd like to talk to you a little about anxiety and panic attacks.  I haven't actually read very many YA books that deal with this subject and if you know of any that do cover anxiety or panic attacks, I would for sure love to hear it.  Leave me a comment! The only book that springs to mind as I sat down to write this post is The Boyfriend List by E. Lockhart, in which the main character, Ruby Oliver has the occasional panic attack and begins seeing a therapist in order to work through how she's feeling.  It's an excellent book and series, one that I highly recommend.  

Anxiety and panic attacks are both issues that I haven't considered very much until recently.  It's only through joining a local support group on Facebook to do with depression that I began to be more aware of my own anxious feelings about a great number of things (the support group is for people dealing with depression, anxiety and panic attacks).  I mostly just thought of these things I was anxious about as fears and had never labelled them as anxieties, though of course they are.  

And it turns out that I'm anxious about a great number of things.  I can't deal very well with driving places that I've never been before or driving on the motorway.  Talking on the phone or making small talk with people I don't know well gives me anxiety.  Walking into a room or small shop in which I believe someone might look up at me as I enter makes my heart race and my hands go clammy.   I could write about my anxieties all day but just thinking about the many different settings and circumstances that make me feel anxious is making my stomach clench up. So I'll stop there. 

In terms of panic attacks, there was just one period of time in which I had panic attacks on a fairly regular basis.  I had a very difficult transition between the ages of 16 and 17 from high school into taking classes at a local community college.  It was a move that I wasn't ready for emotionally and I ended up having quite severe panic attacks just before I entered my classes.  My heart beat would race, I'd get quite clammy hands, it felt difficult to breathe, my arms and legs would feel weak and my immediate reponse was always to flee somewhere that I felt comfortable because these large college classes were very intimidating and overwhelming to me.  The only place on campus that I felt at all relaxed and comfortable was the library and I spent hours every day there.  So much time in fact, that I failed all of my classes and eventually dropped out.  

Today, I still don't do very much to combat these feelings of anxiety.  My response to these feelings is mostly that of avoidance.  Instead of confronting my anxieties, instead of speaking about them, I've mostly just gone out of my way in order to avoid situations in which I might start feeling anxious.  I wear headphones during the school run and that is so anti-social that most people don't approach me.  I don't talk on the phone wherever possible. If I'm going somewhere new, I either have someone else come along with me (N, usually) or don't go at all.  Small shops in general I avoid like the plague.  But because I've been made more aware of these things lately, I've always tried to do my best to take small steps towards confronting these anxieties.  I've been looking into mindfulness cognitive-behaviour therapy and perhaps some self-help guides.  I don't want to live like this forever and I certainly don't want either of my children to pick up on my anxiety-riddled behaviour.  We'll see how things go over time. 

To find out more about anxiety and panic attacks, click here.