I am very happy and honoured today that Jo from Once Upon a Bookcase and Ink and Paper is here today, especially as she's sharing something very personal with us. Before commenting, please respect Jo's wishes for no advice. Only support and understanding please!
I really adore Jo and both her YA book blog and her fantasy blog. They are both excellent! If you don't already follow her blogs, you really should.
Over to you, Jo...
So there’s this guy. He’s hot, he’s funny, he’s smart and he’s sweet. He’s just amazing, really. And he gets me. There’s just one problem…
In the guest post I wrote for Love Month last year, I mentioned that I had never been in love. Well, since then, things have changed. I fell in love. With the most amazing guy. One of my closest friends. And wow. In last year’s guest post, I also said that everything I knew – and wrote - about love was based on what I saw on the movies, read in books, heard in songs, or simply saw from witnessing and speaking to people who are in love, but I never, ever thought I could feel so much!
Love is beyond anything I could describe, but I shall try. It makes me smile to myself like the Cheshire cat like a complete sap at the most random times. It can have me sitting lost in really awesome memories. It has every, stupid little thing reminding me of him. It has me wanting to shout and laugh and cry all at the same time. It can be overwhelming and daunting, feeling so much. It’s an unending burst of happiness so big that “happiness” doesn’t seem a good enough word. It has me wanting to quote Avril Lavigne in this guest post, because listening to some of her really powerful, emotional songs, I just feel like saying, “I know, right?!” I’m not getting anywhere near close to putting into words how love feels. It’s magical, it’s amazing, it’s simply beautiful! It’s the best feeling ever! And, in my case, it’s also a feeling that isn’t returned.
Yeah, I know.
And this is another feeling that I can’t even begin to describe. It sucks, quite frankly. So love is also slightly crappy. I make light of it, because it’s the only way I know how to deal with things. But really, it’s bad; really bad. It’s bloody awful. It’s hard; feeling something so big for someone, and not being able to express it, and constantly feeling like you’re fit to burst. Knowing nothing will ever come of it, that we’ll only ever be friends. Being stuck with this amazing feeling I can do nothing with and nothing about, and slowly being crushed by it. It hurts. Like you wouldn’t believe. Unless, of course, you know what I’m talking about.
I suppose it can’t be too great for him either. Because he knows; there was a conversation, and I was turned down, and, well, that’s that. We don’t talk about it, but he knows he has this friend who has feelings he doesn’t return, and, my god, awkward much? Except strangely, it isn’t; we talk all the time like I don’t really feel anything and like he doesn’t know, and things are pretty much normal. Yet he doesn’t really know that I’m hurting like I am, so maybe he feels more awkward than I know. We definitely steer clear of certain subjects most of the time, and if they get close, I tend to throw in a joke and try to change the subject. As I said, that’s how I deal. Writing this is difficult enough, having to talk to him about (which would be for no good reason I can see)… well, a joke is easier.
But at some point he’s going to get a girlfriend, and the pain is going to multiply and hurt like *insert whichever expletive you wish here*, and, oh, there have been enough tears already. Things will change, and things will get harder. Even though I know this, that I know things are probably going to get worse, as I said, he’s one of my closest friends, and was before I went and fell for him. I’m hardly going to go “You know what, this is too much, buh-bye” any time soon. Because 1) I don’t think it would be fair on either of us, and 2) my life would be that little more boring, because, god, that guy is hilarious, and I quite enjoy laughing. But seriously, I can’t just walk away from my friends just because things aren’t so great for me, even if they’re part of the reason why. You’re supposed to be there for your friends, not drop them. I just have to deal with it, and get over it. Though the getting over it part seems to be taking a while...
I have to say though, despite all the hurt and the tears, all the anguish and the heartbreak, the feelings mentioned at the beginning of this post? The good ones? They’re all so worth it. I swear it’s not something I would have wanted to miss. So generally it sucks in a massive way, but there are these moments of complete brilliance and wow that take my breath away, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I will get past it all at some point – I have to – and all will be good again. And I’m looking forward to the next time; to things working out right. To being happy.
N.B. This post is obviously very personal, so I ask you not to offer me any kind of advice in the comments. This post is to share, not to ask for help. I’d appreciate you respecting that. Writing it was hard enough.