One of my New Year's resolutions this year is to face my fears. It's something that I've been thinking a lot about lately and I don't want to live in fear anymore. It's doing nothing for my self-esteem, my confidence or my levels of happiness. So, this year, I don't want to live in fear of the many things that make me afraid. And I'm not talking about my fear of heights or spiders or of dentists either. Though those are all fears that I have, I'm more concerned with the other fears that prevent me from living the life that I want and deserve. So I've decided to make a series of posts about some of my fears as I've found that talking through these things can often help.
My biggest fear at the moment is of change. My Littlest has just started full-time at primary school and I'm faced with hours of the day on my own. And I'm afraid of that. For the past seven years, I've had a good idea of what my days would be like. Obviously no two days were the same, but I had a rough idea of the things that needed doing. I was comfortable and happy with the way my life was. It felt familiar and I was happy. And now the entire structure of my day has changed.
And I think my fear of this particular change in my life is two-fold. The first is that I'm afraid that my children will start being more independent and won't need me as much. I'm afraid that they're growing up too quickly and that there isn't anything I can do about it. But looking at it logically, of course I want my kids to be grow up and be independent. They need to be eventually, I'm just not ready for it happen now. And of course this isn't going to happen overnight either, they are still just 7 and 4, I have plenty of time yet before they really grow up.
The second reason that this change frightens me though is that it forces me to change very drastic things. I'm currently looking for a part-time job and I worry about this because I don't like the uncertainty that comes with starting new things. I was used to the way I spent my days previously, and now I'm facing the possibility of meeting new people and being in new circumstances and a new environment, all of which test me in ways that I don't feel I've used very much in the past seven years.
Because I haven't been in paid employment for such a long time, I've lost confidence in myself and my abilities to do something more 'professional' than being a stay-at-home mother. I feel like I don't remember what it was like to get dressed in the morning with a specific purpose in mind and sometimes that not knowing what may happen triggers my failure-thoughts. What if I'm not good enough, what if things go wrong? And I don't like falling back on those negative thoughts.
The very process of updating my CV and searching online websites for available jobs in my area has caused me a slight panic but at the same time, I'm also excited. I've wanted to go back to work for ages. I think it'll be really good for me. I've always felt very lonely as a stay at home mom, I've never liked the feeling of isolation that comes with it, so the idea of interacting with more people is a good thing. I need to be focusing on these positive benefits of change instead of the negative.
A part-time job will bring in more income and give me some experience. And while N and I will have to deal with the nightmare that will be covering childcare over the school holidays, it isn't as though we will be the first parents to ever have to deal with these things. I feel lucky that I have a support network around me that will allow for small changes in the school run and other things that have to shift and bend in order for everything to possibly work out. All I need to do now is just find my strength and just get on with it.
What are you currently afraid of?