Friday, November 24, 2006

Splinters of Thought

I forgot to put eggs in the pumpkin pie yesterday, but they turned out OK anyway.

It's been difficult to use the computer lately. Mostly because my dad's here and I like spending time with him when I can, but also because N is working on his latest wonderful project.

I've mentioned before that we've taken photos of Elliot every single day.. well N has chosen one photo from each day of this last year and made a video out of them set to some of Boy's favourite music. It has little captions to explain some photos like on Mother's Day and birthdays, but also the day Elliot had his first real food, and other fun firsts. I've seen it in various stages of finished, and everytime I watch it, it makes me cry. I'm such a girl. But it really captures who Elliot has been this last year - a mostly happy, sweet, good-natured little boy with a mischievious streak.

There's always a point when I spend a lot of time with my father, that things get uncomfortable. Not because of us, but because it's difficult talking to him about my mom. So I try to avoid the subject at all costs, which means sometimes just not telling him certain things. This uncomfortable moment happened today. But it wasn't so bad - he asked, and I told him that I'd spoken to my mother last January, that she'd sent a big box of clothes and a few other things for Boy, but that I hadn't heard from her since.

It's difficult for me, the relationship between me and my mother, and it always seems more apparent when I'm around my dad. Maybe it's just that whole parent thing - they go together, so when I think of one, I think of the other. It's sad, really. There were terrible phases of my life that involved both parents, but I've forgiven my father for most everything, but I'm not able to do the same for my mother. I wonder if I have it in me.

I keep seeing my aunt come onto MSN messenger recently, and everytime I do see her, I switch my settings to invisible. I found out some information about her that I hadn't known before, and I can't face speaking to her. She used to be favourite aunt on my mom's side.

I don't know what it is about people visiting us at our house that sends me into full crazy mode. I feel like I need to send the best impression of me and my life possible, and that means a cleaning frenzy. There's a ton of people coming over this weekend for the party, and everyone of them know our situation - that N works long hours, that I have a nearly-one-year-old. No one would think less of me because I hadn't finished the laundry, but I still busted my ass today to do three loads, vaccumed and swept. Tomorrow it's the bathrooms, the kitchen and the dusting.

For Thanksgiving I wanted to reconnect with old friends, and sent a bunch of emails out to friends and family I hadn't heard from in awhile, and most responded, which I'm grateful for. But one didn't (who I hoped would), and it's someone I was once close to. I feel sad that this friendship has faded away.

Good night everyone!

1 comment:

  1. Happy Thanksgiving! Hope all is well with you and you had a lovely holiday!


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