I stumbled across this huge realisation about myself the other day. It felt absolutely HUGE and yet I don't know what to do with it as yet. I'm one of those people who would seriously benefit from hours of therapy, as I find it really difficult sometimes to even know what emotions I'm feeling, and I find it difficult to understand the choices and decisions I've made and continue to make. I do wish sometimes that I could go to therapy and talk it all through with someone, but at this stage in my life it seems unlikely. Back to my realisation though. I realised that during times of crisis, I don't ask for help. Whenever I've been struggling in my life, and there have been far too many struggles, it doesn't occur to me to reach out and ask someone to help. Why is that?
The single most life-changing event in my life was my parent's divorce. It probably shouldn't be, but I know now that it was. It killed me a little bit every single day to watch my family break apart, drift away and transform into this awful, silence-filled house of strangers. The emotional and physical abuse is wrapped into this so much that I can't tell the two apart in my head anymore. So few of my friends know about what I went through at that time.
During middle school there was that long period of depression. The eating disorder. Suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I felt the most alone during this time of my life, and still, I told no one. High school was much the same. I had a better circle of friends by this time, but when I started failing my classes, I didn't think to ask teachers for help. Or find out about a tutor. Instead, I just muddled along as best as I could, while slowly sinking.
I've failed or dropped out of university twice. I've been slightly depressed more times than I can remember. Yet everything happens internally. I wonder how my husband copes with me. Me who doesn't share her feelings or even let him in sometimes.
So I ask myself now, what is it about me that won't let other people in? That won't accept that I can't do everything on my own? Is it embarassment? Denial? Pride? I don't know. I'm still working on that part.