Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I'd had a terrible dream the night before which made me worry about the safety of my unborn baby. That's never a great way to start a day. I dropped Elliot off to his grandma's as usual on a Wednesday, came home, and decided to switch on the TV for a little while. I ended up on this programme which was discussing ways to help children cope with death. I don't know why I watched it, I found myself getting more and more upset listening to mothers with terminal cancer and of a woman who had to tell her child who is younger than Elliot that daddy wasn't coming back. Even without my pregnancy hormones swirling around I would have cried. But I was upset the entire day and I gave Elliot far too many hugs and cuddles that he ended up pushing me away by the time dinnertime came around. I just don't know what would happen if something happened to N and I. What would happen to my children? Who would look after them? My father and brother are both too unstable. N's sister is Elliot's godmother, but to be honest, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of her raising my children. N's mother is our only option, and Elliot would love that. She's a great mother, but she's no longer very young and a day with Little Boy tires her out. I'd want the children to stick together, but is two children too much of a burden to place on someone outside of the family? All of our friends are just settling down, what if they want children of their own? The whole idea of it scares me. Is this something everyone thinks about? Do you know what you would do?
And on another (probably just as depressing note) N's sister has been admitted to hospital. She's currently in her 35th week of pregnancy and the doctors are worried about excessive swelling in her legs. Apparently the baby is fine, she just needs some bed rest. Even with our uneasy relationship and ongoing dramas, I do hope everything goes well for her and her baby.