I've completely lost my momentum with this whole Doing Things Differently thing. Easter weekend ended up being my downfall. I had plans and the rain prevented me from carrying them out. I didn't have any backups. It turns out everything on my list that needed some sort of organisational skills or planning has now been crossed off my list. And since I didn't have any great ideas to fall back on, I did tiny, little things (like re-pierce my ears) instead of what I had planned. And I don't feel happy about it.
That unhappiness is now affecting the rest of the month in terms of (lack of) enthusiasm for the project. Or at least that's the story. The thing is, when I started this project, it was because I was feeling depressed. I wanted to start something that I could throw myself into and distract myself out of these low feelings and I'd get back to my 'normal' self. But it just doesn't work that way, does it?
I've suffered from a mild (moderate? I'm not sure) case of depression off and on for years. I've always told myself 'it's just this period of my life, once things change, things will get better' or if I just got out of the house, tried making new friends just got on with things or do things differently, then I will feel better. And I get great short-term results. I do. But it's not enough.
I feel like it's time to seek some sort of treatment, but I can't bring myself to do it - I think that will take more courage than I currently have. I feel as I though I'm letting the people I love down by admitting to depression. That it's an admission of weakness, or that it just confirms this long held belief of mine that I'm not good enough. And I know how ridiculous it sounds and that I shouldn't feel guilty. But this is how I feel.
I feel absolutely racked with guilt for not being stronger, for not being able to get past things. It's not everyday, in fact it's infrequent enough that I can ignore the few days where I eat very little, where I don't want to leave the house, or change out of my clothes, that I'm snappy and irritable and have no interest in doing the things that I love. But it's not right and it's not fair.
If only I could snap myself out of it, eat properly, fake it until it happens, be a stronger person for my kids, for my husband but first for myself. I may not seek treatment today, or even tomorrow, not next month or next year. Maybe never. That's up to me. I just needed to write all of that out, get it out of my system and go from here.
This really isn't how I thought this post would turn out to be.