A few weeks ago I sent in my month's notice at Books Etc. I'm not sure why it took so long, I knew before Elliot was born that I wouldn't go back to work there. But I still held on and sent in my notice only at the last minute. It wasn't me being spiteful; I really enjoyed my job for the most part. And now I have reason to wish it back. I need the security of a good job right now. Let me start at the beginning.
When I was younger, my teachers and parents (actually just my dad) would rave about my potential, how I would do great things. I was always reading, I enjoyed studying and that whole sponge analogy would pop up everywhere. I did well in school, got the best grades, and scored high in national tests. I joined talented and gifted classes and asked to go to summer school for my birthday. My dad tried to steer me towards becoming a lawyer, like he wanted to be before he was injured in Vietnam, I never argued. Then my parents got married and quickly got divorced. My family had never been overly stable, but this was a huge deal to me. It was a terrible time in my life and I was stuck in the crossfire. I became depressed, anorexic. My grades fell; I dropped out of the sports teams I was on. When high school came around, I started ditching classes, spending a lot of time in chat rooms. After three years, I dropped out of high school altogether. I got my GED, started classes at a community college, and again didn’t do very well and didn’t carry on and instead went into full time employment. A few years after I moved here to England, I decided I wanted my degree finally. I thought I’d study Literature and then try and work in a publishing house in London. I did OK for two years, but halfway through my second year, I thought maybe this wasn’t the direction I should be heading in. I wasn’t sure about studying literature anymore, maybe I needed a more practical degree that which would allow me to branch out into different areas.
I remembered that my dad had always mentioned being a lawyer; I’d had a few friends who had studied law. I thought I’d be good at it; maybe law was the best decision for me. I changed my study path – and now here I am two years later. I haven’t actually talked to anyone aside from my husband about these last two years. I just feel … ashamed, mostly. Also embarrassed about where I am in my life. Last year I did reasonably well in my law assignments… but failed my exam. I could have done a re-sit earlier this year, but I deferred because of personal problems. I was feeling quite depressed and was prescribed anti-depressants around February. Because of this, I took this year off from my law course. I’m better now, and I never actually took the pills. I thought that by the time my re-sit in October, I’d have done loads of studying, and would ace the exam. But with the move, and Elliot – I didn’t study as much as I should have, but I think I would have passed. The thing is, I wrote down the wrong date and missed the exam entirely. All the work I’d done had gone to waste.
I don’t know what to do. I know I don’t always want to work in an unskilled thankless shop-work job my entire life. But where do I go now?