Tuesday, November 28, 2006


I am such a bad mother sometimes. I'll get to this a bit later.
My mother and I have a very strained relationship. She was quite young when she had both me and my (half) brother, David. She came from a very alcoholic family, and was an alcoholic herself for a very long time. She didn't have much schooling, and had an awful childhood. God only knows why my mom and dad stayed together for as many years as they did, they never liked each other. My mom clearly favoured David, and at times I could tell that I reminded my mother of my dad, and for that reason, she treated me differently. The worst treatment I had from her while she still lived in the same house with us was indifference. But all of that changed after the divorce. She had cheated on my father with his best friend, and they soon moved in with each other. She still came over occasionally while the divorce proceedings were going on, but each visit managed to end sourly. Once, after a day of gardening, she called the cops on my dad and the police station sent out a SWAT team (my father is a 'crazy Vietnam vet') we always had some sort of traumatic experience to deal with. My mom never wanted custody of me, but she fought long and hard to gain custody of my brother. My dad settled for us visiting with my mom every other weekend and every other Christmas. When we stayed over, she'd rent the videos that David wanted to watch, and make the food he liked to eat. I had never felt more unloved, but I was still young - 11 or 12, I needed and wanted a mother, even my mother. Until the day that David and I pleaded with my dad to drive us over to where my mom was staying, I still loved her. I knocked on the door with David right behind me, and Greg (dad's ex-best friend and my mom's new husband) answered the door and told us to go away. We asked after my mother, he said she wasn't home. David saw her in the upstairs window. We knocked again. Greg answered the door again, this time with his shotgun pointed at us and told us to get the hell off his property or he'd blow our heads off. I never made much of an attempt with her again.
In a different way, I don't pay enough attention with my son. Because I wasn't watching properly, he fell down the stairs the day before yesterday. It was a long way to fall.


  1. Michelle,
    You can't compare the two things. They are not the same. All of us have witnessed our children getting physically hurt because we can't watch them every minute and also because that is part of how they learn what is dangerous. You are not a bad mother. His falling does not mean you are like your mom.

  2. Omg Don't you dare call yourself a bad mum cos Elliot had a fall, you can't watch him 24/7 and if you did he wouldn't grow up into a normal kid. My sister and I broke bones, fell out of trees (OK that was just me) and all sorts of insanity and it had nothing to do with how careful our parents were. You could sit with a kid in a padded room and I'm sure they'd find a way to hurt themselves. I know its hard but Please don't blame yourself.


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