Saturday, January 24, 2009
I had a great week. Did I mention that I've started running in preparation for that 10k I'm doing this year? I started a few days after the New Year. It went slowly for awhile, but I'm now able to run about 2 miles a day and not feel like I'm going to die. It may not sound like much to you, but for me it's huge. I'd taken a break last week and then decided to get back to it.
And that first run that I did was the deciding factor. The run that would decide if I'd keep going or fall back into a slump. I could feel it happening. I got on the treadmill, warmed up a bit, and started running. It got to about 8 minutes before I felt the excuses coming. I thought to myself 'it's my first run in awhile, I don't have to push myself too much, just run a bit and at least I'll have done some exercise, I went to the dentist this morning, my mouth is hurting, that's reason enough to stop now, I feel a stitch coming on, better not push it too much' and so on.
At today, for the first time it feels like, I saw through the excuses. It wasn't about my dental pain or about a stitch. It wasn't even about running, I don't think. Some part of me is afraid of what it feels like to accomplish something. To work hard for something and know that I did it myself. It's that little voice in my head telling me that I'll never do it, give up now before I waste my time, so many negative thoughts that I have been telling myself again and again, day after day for as long as I can remember.
And it was hard, but I managed to run right through my excuses. I ran harder and longer than I have before. I tried to distract myself with plans for the future. It was the best run ever. I worked out how old my kids will be when I'm 40 and the holidays I'd like to take them on. I sang songs to myself, wrote bits of this blog post in my head and thought of all the improvements I'd like to do to our house. And the most persistent thought that 'ran' through my head?
I can and I will.