Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Saying Goodbye

It's been over 6 months now since my dad died. Just writing that sentence made my head spin.  I can almost not believe it sometimes. Six whole months in the world without my dad in it. How did that happen?

One of the last photos I have of me with my dad

It's been a difficult few months, not going to lie.  It was a pretty difficult year or so before he died too, of course. Then I heard the news and ...that feeling I had was so much, it was so overwhelming. I expected it, I knew it was coming. And yet nothing ever prepares you for such a thing. What that feels like.

I'm glad that I've had the support that I've had in my life since. N, my boys, my extended families. It felt easier for a time to focus on more practical matters instead of on my grief, so for a couple months I only really dealt with organising the memorial service I had planned. Picking out music, a venue, putting together a video tribute, writing my dad's eulogy.  These things I could do, I could set my mind to doing them, to accomplishing something. Pushing everything else to one side while I did them.

My family

And that worked for a time.  I flew out to the US in April and my dad's family and friends got together for a lovely send off for my dad.  I'm grateful to so many people for their help in this.  My best friend and her husband for letting me and N and the boys invade their house and for being such amazing emotional supports for me.  My cousin and my aunt for arranging things I couldn't. Everyone that I met for just being so lovely and making me feel like that was exactly where I needed to be surrounded by friends and family.  I had been dreading the speeches, hearing other people's stories and experiences of my dad but it turned out to be the best thing ever. I laughed and I cried. I stood up and said goodbye to my dad in a really public way.  But it was good too.

The following day we drove to the coast, got on a boat and in the middle of some quite choppy beautiful blue water, I dropped my dad's ashes into the sea like he wanted.  Do you know what happened when I did?  Just for a moment, I saw a vision of my dad.  He was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt and he looked decades younger and maybe 100 pounds lighter than I was used to.  And he was leaning against something looking very relaxed.  And he was laughing. That mental image has given me so much comfort in these past six months.

No comments:

Post a comment

HI! Thank you for leaving a comment, you've just become my new best friend :)