I started this blog more than two years ago in an attempt to affirm to myself (and others, who am I kidding?) that I wasn't JUST a mother. That I had interests outside of babies (particularly my perfect little boy) and I wanted to write about books, my life, my interests, my thoughts, my childhood. I felt like I needed to make the effort to do this in order to keep what little hold I had on my sanity.
Fastforward two years and here we are again. I'm going through another mini-identity crisis. Who am I other than a mother? I've stopped reading, all my activities center around my sons, I have little time to myself to enjoy my own hobbies or interests. Even my memories of childhood lately revolve around my complicated relationship with my own mother.
Reading this blog entry captured a lot of what I'm feeling at the moment. I love being a mother, especially a stay at home mother, able to share my children's lives, helping them to learn and grow. I wouldn't want to give that up AT ALL.
But I do carry around these feelings of being slightly trapped. I want things for myself. I want to go back to university and finish my degree. I want that to lead to going back to work and having a career. I want to travel. I want to be my ideal weight. I want to take classes ... cookery classes, or photography or a foreign language .. anything as long as it's something for ME. But I think of all these things and think 'when? how? how much longer?' I feel selfish and guilty for wanting these things and I don't want to feel that way. But I also don't want to give up on my dreams or resent my children or family for stopping me from doing what will make me happy.
Where do I find the balance? Is there one? Or is it all one sacrifice after another?
I write this and I do realise somewhere in the back of my head that yes, I am only 25. I still have my whole life ahead of me and plenty of time to achieve my goals. I'm just feeling so impatient lately and slightly unfulfilled. It's the monotony and repetitiveness of being a mom, I think. It's the lack of social contact, it's my own insecurities about my lack of education. I just want everything NOW and it doesn't work that way.
Oh, yes, dear we are in the same boat. We will always have the guilt, sadly. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but as you know, I'm where you are, sister.
ReplyDeleteHugs! I'm sure we'll figure something out some day.
I believe you have touched upon the central motif underlying the lives of many of today's moms. Finding the right balance, should one even exist, is and may always be a constant battle. We, as women, are unique individuals who carry the incredible burden of maintaining our identity in a world that makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to do so.
ReplyDeleteI know it's easy to feel guilty about yearning for personal fulfillment. I've been there. But man, you're only 25! You've experienced so much in such a short time period, it would seem. I just turned 30 and yet I still feel as though I'm too young to be a mother of two and often ask myself, "What was I thinking?" But then my daughter will spontaneously hug me and say, "I love you, mommy!" with the slightest of sighs and a cute little smile and for that particular moment in time, nothing else matters.
I wish I had some "wisdom" to impart but alas, I am in the same boat...
I think all moms feel this way at 1 time or another. Just having Joshua, and having Elliot, are you feeling over whelmed? I would say allow a couple more months to go by when Joshua starts sleeping through the night and Elliot will be in preschool, and then maybe some of these things will happen. Does England to online courses for the university? Start with maybe 1 class in the fall..Maybe that accomplishment will help you feel beeter about yourself and not just label you a mother but also a college student. I hope this helps..If you need to talk, I'm an email a way...remember I will be in the same position in just 101 days...with a newborn and a craxy toddler. Yes I am on a days count down now, hehe.
ReplyDelete