I started this blog more than two years ago in an attempt to affirm to myself (and others, who am I kidding?) that I wasn't JUST a mother. That I had interests outside of babies (particularly my perfect little boy) and I wanted to write about books, my life, my interests, my thoughts, my childhood. I felt like I needed to make the effort to do this in order to keep what little hold I had on my sanity.
Fastforward two years and here we are again. I'm going through another mini-identity crisis. Who am I other than a mother? I've stopped reading, all my activities center around my sons, I have little time to myself to enjoy my own hobbies or interests. Even my memories of childhood lately revolve around my complicated relationship with my own mother.
Reading this blog entry captured a lot of what I'm feeling at the moment. I love being a mother, especially a stay at home mother, able to share my children's lives, helping them to learn and grow. I wouldn't want to give that up AT ALL.
But I do carry around these feelings of being slightly trapped. I want things for myself. I want to go back to university and finish my degree. I want that to lead to going back to work and having a career. I want to travel. I want to be my ideal weight. I want to take classes ... cookery classes, or photography or a foreign language .. anything as long as it's something for ME. But I think of all these things and think 'when? how? how much longer?' I feel selfish and guilty for wanting these things and I don't want to feel that way. But I also don't want to give up on my dreams or resent my children or family for stopping me from doing what will make me happy.
Where do I find the balance? Is there one? Or is it all one sacrifice after another?
I write this and I do realise somewhere in the back of my head that yes, I am only 25. I still have my whole life ahead of me and plenty of time to achieve my goals. I'm just feeling so impatient lately and slightly unfulfilled. It's the monotony and repetitiveness of being a mom, I think. It's the lack of social contact, it's my own insecurities about my lack of education. I just want everything NOW and it doesn't work that way.