Thursday, September 03, 2009
A pretty moment..
Sigh. I'm guessing it must be the same for other people. It can't be just me who looks in a mirror some (most) days and can only see the flaws? The double chin, the messy unwashed hair, the bushy eyebrows, that row of horrible freckles just above the mouth. The horrible uneveness of the face. A completely unremarkable and plain face, with a bit of a miserable look to it, especially around the mouth most days. I can't help but look in the mirror some days and start listing the things that I'm 'not enough:' Pretty, smart, funny, witty. I love how it snowballs from 'I should have washed my hair' to all my failings as a woman, wife, mother.
Is this just me? But then there are those other days. Those other days that come around so rarely, and in fact are not days at all but brief moments in time that appear suddenly and just as quickly disappear. Do you know the moments I mean?
I had one of those moments the other day. I glanced in the mirror in passing, looked at myself, and actually thought 'pretty.' For me, this happens so rarely that sometimes I feel like crying. And on those rare, pretty days I really have to fight to keep those thoughts, try to grab hold of these fleeting positive thoughts about myself and hold on to them for dear life, hoard them and in those other dark days where nothing will ever be good enough, especially myself, I can try to bring them back to life.
But really, this is no one way to live. I'm tired of carrying around these awful thoughts. I'd like to able to like myself, the way I look, the person that I am. I'd like that very much. I think it will take a lot of work, changing the habits and thoughts of a lifetime, but I'm worth the effort.
I'm starting today, right now in fact. As of right now, I'll do what I can to stop the negative thoughts. Be a little kinder to myself in my thoughts. Maybe find some time for some pampering. Think daily of things I actually do like about myself and go from there, I think. Wish me luck.