Thursday, September 03, 2009

A pretty moment..

Sigh. I'm guessing it must be the same for other people. It can't be just me who looks in a mirror some (most) days and can only see the flaws? The double chin, the messy unwashed hair, the bushy eyebrows, that row of horrible freckles just above the mouth. The horrible uneveness of the face. A completely unremarkable and plain face, with a bit of a miserable look to it, especially around the mouth most days. I can't help but look in the mirror some days and start listing the things that I'm 'not enough:' Pretty, smart, funny, witty. I love how it snowballs from 'I should have washed my hair' to all my failings as a woman, wife, mother.

Is this just me? But then there are those other days. Those other days that come around so rarely, and in fact are not days at all but brief moments in time that appear suddenly and just as quickly disappear. Do you know the moments I mean?

I had one of those moments the other day. I glanced in the mirror in passing, looked at myself, and actually thought 'pretty.' For me, this happens so rarely that sometimes I feel like crying. And on those rare, pretty days I really have to fight to keep those thoughts, try to grab hold of these fleeting positive thoughts about myself and hold on to them for dear life, hoard them and in those other dark days where nothing will ever be good enough, especially myself, I can try to bring them back to life.

But really, this is no one way to live. I'm tired of carrying around these awful thoughts. I'd like to able to like myself, the way I look, the person that I am. I'd like that very much. I think it will take a lot of work, changing the habits and thoughts of a lifetime, but I'm worth the effort.

I'm starting today, right now in fact. As of right now, I'll do what I can to stop the negative thoughts. Be a little kinder to myself in my thoughts. Maybe find some time for some pampering. Think daily of things I actually do like about myself and go from there, I think. Wish me luck.


  1. Yep, I've had both. Days when I see all the flaws and days when I think, "I'm holding pretty good for 35."

    I keep waiting for that magical day when I feel that good all the time. I hope it comes with age.

    Just the other day, I saw myself on video and thought, "Ugh, I walk like my Grandmother!" Now I need a new walk. lol

    And yes be kinder to yourself! You are adorable. That's a great shot of you.

  2. No, Michelle, it's absolutely not just you. But changing the way you think about yourself does work. I'm much happier looking at my face these days (I'm even happier looking at my body, even though it's wrecked from two pregnancies and the heaviest I've ever been).

    One thing I find really helps is that whenever I look in the mirror, whether I'm adjusting the rearview in the car or washing my hands in the bathroom, I smile at myself.

    I often think "pretty" about the pictures you post. You look joyful and that's gorgeous.

  3. Oh on video, Chris? That's something else ENTIRELY! Gah!:)

  4. It is definitely not just you. We all do it. I tend not to look in the mirror too often these days and definitely not up close. I hate having my photo taken too. I have fat days as well, where I am convinced I am obese, even after reaching my goad weight.

  5. Oh snappity-snap-snap!

    Of the 160 pictures of me on Facebook there are about 20 of me that I like. And those include the ones of me as a blonde moppet. The ones that make me scream inside are the ones from school. I want to untag myself from them but won't do it. I keep them there in the hope that one day I'll look at them and think "I don't look that bad there".

    This will never apply to the one of me with the banner however. (Bleach saved my hair by making it stop doing that!) (the link might not work either...)

    Nowadays I am extra kind to myself in the morning so that I can look in the mirror before I go to work and think "Damn girl, you is looking fine!"

  6. (and I apologise for leaving you the longest comment in the world) xx

  7. No, it's not just you. My favorite is looking in the mirror in my dim bathroom and thinking my brows are all ok, and then checking in the rearview mirror and fainting from shock of how scary it really is. I WANT to be in more pictures, but then I hate them.

  8. oh i don't even think i can express to you how often i've felt the exact.same.way. it's amazing to me that we can let it trickle all down to whether or not we are good wives and mothers, too. but you're exactly right. you ARE worth it. You are beautiful (and i love that picture by the way) and a wonderful wife and mother. I know that from all the way over here.

  9. I think you've probably already figured out that it's not just you, but I just thought I'd pipe up and say that I have those days too.

  10. I totally know what you mean. And I wish you all the luck in the world! You go girl! :)


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