Reading Diary: Maya Angelou Still I Rise

Today's Reading Diary is a little different as it is about a documentary that I recently watched.  So, around Christmas, I signed up for Netflix - mostly to watch To All the Boys I've Loved Before if I'm perfectly honest. But I figured, while I have it, I may as well watch all the things I'm interested in.

This was the first documentary I watched, all about the life of Maya Angelou.  And I was pretty surprised when I started watching it.  I realised pretty quickly that I knew very little about the woman herself, or her life.  I had no idea she was a dancer, a singer, an actress.  In fact, she was so many things in her life: a lecturer, a director, a screenwriter.  I really only knew her as a poet and the author of I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.

I found it fascinating about her travels, her marriages, her friendships.  And I suppose it is for that reason that I wanted to write this Reading Diary entry today.  Because on the back of watching this documentary, I added a great number of books to my wish list.  I not only want to read the rest of her autobiographies to read about her life in her own words but I added most of James Baldwin's books as well.  Maya Angelou and James Baldwin seemed to be particular friends and I became quite curious to read something of his.

If Beale Street Could Talk is soon going to be released as a film adaptation so now seems like a good time to read that book.  Also, Giovanni's Room is on my list because of the LGBT aspects of the story itself.  Also, Go Tell It on the Mountain.

Another book I added to my list is The Autobiography of Malcolm X, which I of course have heard about but have never read.  There was also a segment on the set of Poetic Justice where Maya Angelou had this intense interaction with Tupac Shakur that made me quite curious to read his poetry, The Rose The Grew From Concrete, so that made it on the list as well.

It was definitely a worthwhile use of my time, watching this.  I love Maya's poetry and it was fascinating to learn more of her life.  I finished watching this and started reading my favourite poems of her's all over again.  Old favourites are favourites for a reason!

REVIEW: A Semi-Definitive List of Worst Nightmares by Krystal Sutherland

Oh I adored A Semi-Definitive List of Worst Nightmares by Krystal Sutherland.  Adored it.  And it was such a surprise of a book too.  You know how when sometimes a certain title or a specific cover design just speaks to you on another level?  That's what it was for me with this book.  I really had no idea what I was getting into when I started reading this book but something about the title and especially that lobster just really appealed to me and it meant I had to read it, just to find out what it meant.  And as I said, it was love.

I remember that I did read the synopsis of the book before I read it but I'm pretty sure I didn't really understand what was going on from the brief blurb.  And that's okay with me, I actually really love the idea of going into a story blind.  But if you're not into the blind-reading thing, then this book is about Esther and her family.  Esther and the Solar family believe that their lives are consumed by One Big Fear and that eventually each family member will die because of their fears.  Esther's brother's fear is the dark, her father's is agoraphobia, her mother is superstitious about bad luck.  Esther isn't sure what her Big Fear is yet but she still lives in fear and carries around a list of her fears that could potentially be The One. 

Then one day, Esther gets pick-pocketed by Jonah Smallwood, someone she used to know in elementary school.  And despite this theft of epic proportions (he stole a fruit roll-up) Esther and Jonah become friends and Jonah ends up helping Esther confront her fears one at a time to show her that life is about more than fear.

I'm finding it difficult to put into words how much I loved this book.  It's very quirky.  Esther and Jonah and everybody who populates this book has their own little quirks and ways of speaking.  Esther is continuously dressing up in outlandish ways, her brother and their entire family are all just so ...different.  But I felt like it just worked within this story. 

There's also a sort of magical realism vibe to the book, some sort of magical quality because of Esther's view of the world of the world, of her family, of the curse and her view of herself.  I loved the ways in which serious topics such as mental illness are discussed in this book and I thought that the story unfolded in a way that was both believable and hit the right tone.  I thought there were some fascinating characters in this book, some really sweet relationships and friendships.  And the Solar family will definitely be a family that I remember for a very long time. 

But it's definitely Esther and Jonah that stole my heart in this book. I feel like reading this book all over again in order to spend more time with them, getting to know them both as they got to know each other.  I really do recommend this book.

REVIEW: Wishbones by Virginia Macgregor

Wishbones by Virginia Macgregor was a book that I wasn't expecting to be sent for review and that would normally mean that it isn't as high a priority to read as other books in my possession.  But something about this book intrigued me. I liked the idea of it being set in the UK, I'm all for supporting UKYA of course.  I also like the idea of a book exploring elements of mental health and the idea around the story of a very obese woman.  And while I had hoped to really like this book ... I felt that the idea of the book was better than the actuality of the story.  

Feather is our main character in this book.  She really wants two things out of life: for her mother to get better and to win the junior swim championships. The second goal is pretty straightforward, she needs to work hard and concentrate. However it's the first goal that really proves more challenging.  

On New Year's Eve, Feather comes home to find her mother in a diabetic coma.  This is obviously very traumatic for her and her parents.  Feather is determined to do whatever it takes to help her mother become healthier.  She thinks maybe it'll just take a better diet and some exercise to fix things, however, Feather soon realises that her mother's health, like most things in life, are so much more complicated and Feather begins this detective journey in order to unravel her mother's personal history and get to the root causes of her mom's obesity. 

My main problem with Wishbones ended up being two-fold.  The first is that Feather's voice felt very young.  She comes across as being really innocent and naive, much younger than one would imagine she would be respective of her age.  It wasn't that she was young or naive that was the problem, it was that she didn't feel believable for her age.  The second problem was that the author's voice is quite patronising throughout.  It really started to grate on my nerves but wasn't such a persistent problem that it made me quit reading but it did hamper my enjoyment of the story.  Which is a shame, as there was elements of the story that I were really intriguing. 

Top Ten Tuesday: Back To School

It isn't back to school here for another three more weeks or so but I thought I'd still take part in this week's Top Ten Tuesday which aims at looking at our favourite back to school books. I've chosen books that I love that are set in high schools.  In particular I love books like Some Girls Are which are all dark and intense and hard to read because that seems more indicative of my own high school experiences. But I've diversified the list to also include some lighter, happier reads too because I'm sure some of you had those experiences too? I sure hope so.

Top Ten Tuesday is hosted by The Broke and the Bookish

Some Girls Are by Courtney Summers

Some Girls Are by Courtney Summers is one the hardest most emotional stories that I can ever remember reading. I remember reading it and almost wailing out sobs as I read what this girl was going through, the lengths of bullying and torment she was facing, the guilt she was feeling for her part in betraying the only person willing to stick by her now.  It was some truly horrific stuff. And while I realise that this isn't everyone's high school story, it is for some. And I remember thinking it was incredible when I read it. Really hard-hitting and honest in its brutality.

Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver

It's been awhile since I read Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver but I did recently watch the film adaptation so I'm more familiar with the story line now than I was a week ago.  And I think what I liked about this book (better than other stories with a similar story line) is how our actions affect those around us. Especially in high school when it maybe feels easier to go along with things you know are wrong to fit in with a different crowd.

North of Beautiful by Justina Chen Headley

North of Beautiful by Justina Chen Headley is one of my favourite books. I really need to re-read it one of these days. What I really love about this book is kind of three-fold. 1) I love the exploration of image and identity. We see this with the main character's large facial birthmark, her mother being overweight and hiding in her fat and also Jacob's being Goth and also Chinese and the way in which he uses both to alter his image to other people. 2) the maps. I love maps utterly. 3) Terra's collages and general interest in art.  It inspired me no end when I read this book the first time.

The DUFF by Kody Keplinger

I think the film adaptation of The DUFF has my mind a little bit confused as to the premise of the story but I remember really loving this book.  About a girl whose family life is falling apart so jumps into bed anyway with a boy who called her the 'designated ugly fat friend'  I remember it being all about using sex as a distraction and working towards being okay with how she looks and her place within her friendship group.  I thought it was a great look at high school life and all of its uncertainties.

Saving Francesca by Melina Marchetta

I could have just as easily included Jellicoe Road onto this list as well and I'm sure nobody would have been surprised. It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of Melina Marchetta. But I included Saving Francesca because it probably means more to met.  I remember it being the first book I had read where the main character has to deal with a parent's mental illness and the profound effect that depression has on everyone else in the family.  It was an important book for me, this one.  It's also about a boy's school that it trying to be co-ed and how Francesca manages to find this amazing set of friends anyway.  I have heart-eyes for this book something fierce.

All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven

I remember being really blown away by this book when I first read it.  I didn't love the ending, but I did love the slow-build friendship to something more between Violet and Theodore.  What I particularly like is that people might be going through hard stuff all around you and you might not know it.  And you also might people and not realise the importance they'll have on your life.

Girlhood by Cat Clarke

Girlhood by Cat Clarke is the most recent book that is on this list.  I guess I haven't been reading that many books set in high school lately that have had an impact. But Girlhood definitely did. I love that it's a boarding school story, that it's set in Scotland. That the campus is old and rambling and has plenty of history and hidden places that lend itself to creepy traditions like locking new girls in a dark hole overnight with only a handful of matches.  This book is about friendship and grief and I adored it.

The Rest Of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness

What I love so much about this book is that it's about normal teenagers living their lives while some other drama is happening around them and potentially the world is ending.  And it's still just them navigating school and friendships and love and working out who they are.  I loved that about this book and I love the way Patrick Ness writes.

Simon Vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albetalli

And I had to include something just utterly happy-making. And that's what this book is for me.  Yes, there is the whole blackmailing you thing but I try not to think about that. Instead I think of how incredibly sweet Simon and Blue's relationship is in this book.  It's two boys who fall in love with each other online while probably running into each other every day at school and not even really knowing it.  They are entirely cute and I couldn't love this book any more than I do.

Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan

And finally we have Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan.  The high school in this book is straight out of a fantasy world where differences are celebrated and it's the crazy-wonderful universe in which the prom queen is trans, the cheerleaders ride motorcycles and the entire cast of this delightful story are all weird and fantastic and I dare anyone to read this book and not fall in love.

What are your favourite stories set in high school?

Why Representation Matters To Me

I know I've talked a lot on this blog about why representation matters to me but I was thinking about it recently and ...I don't think I've ever put it into one single blog post. I've talked about single aspects of myself in detail, sometimes over multiple blog posts, in fact. But never collectively.

Why does representation matter to me? 

It isn't complicated, as such.  As I've already said, I've already talked a little bit about it.  But I will try to make this post as comprehensive as I can. I've made a list and I'm not sure if even my list will fully represent who I am. But I'll try.  

The reason good representation matters to me is because my experiences as a person and in life are incredibly diverse. I'm not alone in this fact, either. I'm sure many people can say the same. I'm just saying that it matters to me because I would very much like to see myself, and people like me, portrayed realistically and in more complex ways in the entertainment that I consume. YA books for sure but also in television and film and in other types of media. Life is complicated and rich in details and people's experiences and lives should be celebrated.  Nobody should feel alone in who they are.  

This is who I am

I'm mixed race. I've talked about this a bit on this blog. My father is white and my mother is Native Alaskan, specifically Tlingit. I grew up and dealt with a lot of racial abuse and hatred because of my being mixed race. I cried the first time, in my 20s, that I saw a mixed race person in an advert on television (that representation, even later in life meant a great deal to me!). 

I'm bisexual. I wrote a post earlier this month coming out as bisexual and talked a little bit about not being fully aware of this fact about myself for several reasons, one of them being that I'd not seen very many people in my life or in the media who are bisexual so I didn't really know that being bi was okay. More representation would mean others like me might feel okay in their own sexuality sooner, possibly.

I grew up in a family from a lower socio-economic background.  My family was poor, there's no other way to put it.  We scraped by, barely living between pay cheque to pay cheque. My mom was on food stamps for awhile, we would have starved without local food banks some months. I grew up thinking that certain things were not within the realm of possibility for me: university, travelling, certain types of jobs. I was stuck on surviving life instead of living it.

I have several mental illnesses.  I've discussed these at length on this blog.  I have depression and anxiety. I'm in recovery from an eating disorder. I felt suicidal as a teenager. I used to self-harm. There was a book I read as a teenager that I truly believe saved my life. It was a non-fiction book about a particular area of mental illness and I read it and I felt (for one of the first times ever) that I was not alone. It matters. It so matters.

I had a parent with a disability and several mental illnesses. I don't believe I've discussed this as much here.  My dad was injured while in active duty as a soldier and because of injuries sustained during war, he was left disabled. My dad was my primary caregiver and it sometimes left me or my brother to help my dad out with things. He also suffered from depression and PTSD.  Very late in life, my dad was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Because of these mental illnesses (that mostly went untreated throughout my life) life with my father was very uncertain and definitely unstable at times. I remember reading a book in my late 20s that dealt with the depression of a parent and I cried my way through it because I knew how that felt. 

I am an immigrant to the UK.  It was my moving to the UK anniversary earlier this month. I moved here 17 years ago from the United States. I always feel like everyone knows that about me but I had someone ask me on Twitter where I lived before I lived in England so clearly not everybody knows. I wish there were more immigrant stories more widely available. 

I'm in an interracial marriage. Did you know N is of Indian descent? His parents are immigrants to this country too, actually, making him a second generation immigrant. There was conflict in the beginning of our marriage as other people (not us) struggled with the idea of our being together. The world can be an ugly place sometimes but more representation could make this easier on those of us in it.  

I have two beautiful mixed-race children. And finally, I have and am raising two gorgeous boys. Who are part Indian, part white, and part Native Alaskan. And they too deserve to grow up in a world where their existence is celebrated and represented.  

I've honestly never seen myself portrayed in anything I've read or seen.  I've seen aspects of me. But not something that comes pretty close to portraying it all.  It's a tall order, I know. But why not, right?  There have been definite milestones along the way: the book on mental illness that saved my life, the advert with a mixed race couple that made me cry, the book with a bi main character that helped me realise my own sexuality.  

It's all so important.  For young people, for older people.  We need and deserve stories and media that accurately represents the world we live in. 

REVIEW: Everything Beautiful Is Not Ruined by Danielle Younge-Ullman

Everything Beautiful Is Not Ruined by Danielle Younge-Ullman is a book entirely unlike the one I expected to read.  I honestly picked this book up because it has this lovely summery looking cover and I mistakenly thought it'd be a fluffy, light romance. Instead this book is a hard-hitting look at family, mental illness, and finding the strength to carry on when times are tough.  It wasn't the book I was expecting but it was definitely a worthwhile read for and I'm really glad that I picked it up.

Everything Beautiful Is Not Ruined is told in two parts, Then and Now. Our main character, Ingrid, is at a three week intensive summer camp for 'at-risk youth' and while relaying her experiences of that ordeal she also walks us through her family history growing up with her larger-than-life opera singer mother, Margot-Sophia. We know that Margot-Sophia has asked Ingrid specifically to come to this survival camp but not the reasons why.

Honestly though, this book.  It was tough to read in parts.  And while I don't always love the dual time-line thing with the Then and Now, with this book I was pretty evenly gripped with finding out what had happened in the past and keeping updated with what was happening in the present. Ingrid was a character that I felt sympathy for right away.  You can tell she's gone through a lot in her young life and is just trying to get by.

It was interesting reading of experiences growing up, being immersed in this unusual lifestyle as her mother performed in different locations throughout Europe. The way Ingrid talks about her mother and the music that her mom produced was utterly lovely. The way her mom's music transported her to other plays, her skill and talent. Which I guess is why they both took it pretty hard when Margot-Sophia's singing career abruptly ends and mother and daughter end up living a semi-normal (boring) life in the suburbs.

Meanwhile, at this camp, Ingrid is struggling with the physicality of hiking in the woods with a huge pack, dealing with the lack of showers or clean clothes, sharing a tent. The other campers have quite serious problems: getting over addictions, getting out of jail etc. It seems that Ingrid doesn't quite belong ...but subtle hints throughout the narrative suggest the possibility that Ingrid is right where she belongs.

Together with the story about the music in the past and the hard work in the present, we also see Ingrid deal with her own romantic relationships: her friendship turned possibly something more in the past, and her dealings with the boy she shares her tent with in the present gave this story some much-needed areas of swoon.

In many ways, Ingrid's story felt very personal to me.  The uncertainty of her childhood is something I could relate to, as is the instability of Margot-Sophia's mental health throughout. I did love that Ingrid ended up holding on to some things in her life: her love of music and the calming influence of her step-father.  I really, really loved this book.

Bisexual Characters in YA

Last week I wrote a very personal blog post about bisexuality and mentioned Far From You by Tess Sharpe as a book that had a very profound impact on me as a person.  I thought that today I might talk a little bit more about other YA books I've read (mostly recently!) featuring bisexual characters.  They aren't the only books I've read featuring bisexual main characters, obviously.  I just picked ones that I've read recently that I'd enjoyed reading.  This is not a comprehensive list of bisexual YA by any means! But having said that, I'm always on the look out for other well-represented YA books that feature bisexual characters though. So if you have recommendations, do hit me up either in the comments or on Twitter.

What I love is that there is this ...surge, almost, in bisexual characters in YA. Or perhaps I'm just becoming more aware of it? It's a possibility. Let's hope this continues.

Sophie in Far From You by Tess Sharpe

As I mentioned in my blog post last week, Sophie's character in Far From You was the first book that really made me sit up and take notice of the idea of bisexuality.  I loved the intensity of Sophie's connection to both Mina and David.  Everything just felt really honest and raw and painful in this story and I loved it all.

Harper in Girlhood by Cat Clarke

Girlhood by Cat Clarke is a wonderful story and I love the fact that Harper (and her roommate) are bisexual but while present in the story isn't the main focus of Girlhood at all.  I love that the diversity is there but that this book doesn't need to be a book about sexuality at all.  It's about friendship and grief with bisexual characters. And I admire the story more for being so.

Jordan in Noteworthy by Riley Redgate

Again, in Noteworthy, Jordan's sexuality is brought up and is a thing that happens within the text ... but this also isn't a story about sexuality.  It's definitely an exploration of gender and race and socioeconomic differeces but also a book about boarding schools and performing arts and friendship and falling in love.  But I definitely appreciated that Jordan does explore her own sexuality within this book.  That she asked herself those questions and went there.

Aki in Our Own Private Universe by Robin Talley

On the other hand, we have Aki in Our Own Private Universe.  Who is determined to, instead of only thinking about her sexuality, to act on it in this summer spent in Mexico.  There she embarks on a summer fling with another girl.  While I didn't always love the three main characters in this book, what I did particularly love is that Aki does her research and looks into safe sex practices for women. And ends up talking very openly about sex.

Kyle in Been Here All Along by Sandy Hall

And finally we have Kyle from Been Here All Along who has the distinction of being the only male bisexual character on this list. I thought this was an utterly sweet story about two neighbours and best friends realising their feelings for each other. It also has a really interesting conversation within the text about if LGBT people owe it to anyone else to come out to them.  (spoiler: no) I just find conversations of this sort to be fascinating and I just want more of them. And more bisexual characters. For obvious reasons.

Have you any recommendations for books featuring (preferably main) characters in YA fiction?

REVIEW: None of the Above by IW Gregorio

I was browsing Netgalley awhile back and came across None of the Above by IW Gregorio.  I'd not heard much about the book or read many reviews of it, but I requested it there and then because I thought it'd be intriguing to read and learn more about a character who is Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS) or intersex. It isn't something that I come across very much but I'm all about branching out and reading people's experiences, especially if they're very different from mine.  And None of the Above was very eye-opening for me.

There is a note at the back of my copy of the book from the author that states that the author does not have AIS that this isn't an #ownvoices novel but that they have had interactions with intersex people through their work.

None of the Above is about Kristin, a teenager who after having a very painful experience attempting sex with her boyfriend, visits a doctor and is informed, at the age of 18, that she is in fact intersex. She really struggles throughout the course of the book ...on edge about who she is, her own identity and where she fits into the world again when she had no questions before. Before she was an ordinary teenager with friends, family, a boyfriend and is on her way to university.  Now she's left wondering if her boyfriend will still love her, if her friends will stick by her, if her dad will cope.

There was also several interesting actual intersex people brought up within the book, notably Caster Semenya, who like Kristin are involved in athletics and have had similar issues raised against their gender. But also positive role models who have helped pave the way for more intersex awareness and education.

I found it really difficult to read Kristin's story in parts, particularly in the beginning. The beginning half of the book feels very much like a Mean Girls sort of story as Kristin's condition is leaked to the school, bullying occurs, people in Kristin's life turn away from her.  But ultimately this book is very much a hopeful story of identity and acceptance.

I very much enjoyed Kristin's journey. I love that she finds a community to where she fits in and belongs as well as finding support within her family and friendship circles. None of the Above isn't always an easy book to read but I found it enlightening and an important book to read.

REVIEW: The State of Grace by Rachael Lucas

The State of Grace by Rachael Lucas was a book that was talked about quite a lot a few months ago. I kept reading tweets or emails saying how much fun the main character is, how I'll fall in love with her, how others already had.  And I admit it, I fell for that hype. I wanted to meet Grace and see if she was everything I wanted her to be.

I think the thing that most drew me to The State of Grace is that this an #ownvoices book featuring autism representation and that was something that I was very excited about.  However, while I'm sure the representation of autism was pretty good ... I just didn't really connect with the story or with Grace as a character, unfortunately.  I wanted to love the story more than I did. But as disappointing as it is to admit, it was just okay for me.

This book follows the main character, Grace, during a rather chaotic time in her life.  Everything seems to be going well, until everything suddenly isn't.  Things are difficult at home with her father away on a business trip and her mum acting a little bit strangely. She ends up kissing a boy, Gabe, and her sister is going off the rails a little bit.  And Grace has Asperger's and sees the world differently to everyone else.

I think the author did a great job in letting us as readers know what Grace needs in terms of managing her autism with structure and routine because of how overwhelming life becomes for Grace. She also does a great job in depicting Grace's parents.  Her mum in particular bears the brunt of being the person responsible for making things better for Grace but that responsibility comes with its own price tag.  I also really liked Grace and Gabe as potential love interests. Both are a little bit sweet and awkward which makes them both all the more endearing.

I wish I could explain in words better why this book didn't work for me as I wanted it to? It was fairly quick to read, it had aspects of the story line that I really enjoyed. However, that spark that I was expecting from this book just wasn't there for me, personally. But that's just me.  Perhaps you'll love this book as much as the dozens of other readers and their reviews that I've seen.  I hope you do.

Ayisha Malik on A Refuge in A Change Is Gonna Come #ChangeBook

I'm so happy and honoured to be today's blog tour post for MY favourite book of the year so far, A Change Is Gonna Come. This is an anthology published by 12 BAME authors: 8 already established authors and 4 debut for a YA audience. I loved the mix of genres and topics that each author chose to cover and I really think there is something in this anthology for everyone.

I absolutely jumped at the chance to host a blog tour stop for this book, especially one from Ayisha Malik, author of Sofia Khan Is Not Obliged and The Other Half of Happiness. Her story, A Refuge, is a story of friendship and empathy and I adored it.  Over to you, Ayisha...

There are certain memories that linger more than others, evoking a rather strong feeling, capturing a part of the past you call upon when feeling reflective. I think often about my visit to the Calais refugee camp. I went a few times; the first time because I was in Paris for a month and it felt like an omission of conscience not to; the second time because, selfishly, I wanted to recreate the first experience. I went again a year later, this time taking a bunch of friends, because I wanted them to feel what I had felt.

The thing about volunteering is that you take away from it far more than you give. Because of this, sometimes people’s lack of empathy can confuse me – although it’s an emotional thing, it feels almost illogical. I wanted to write a story about how someone is changed through their experience at a refugee camp, not because of this condescending idea of helping others, but because of the impact it can have on you. Even volunteering is a selfish act, but my character, Sabrina, is forced to do so by her parents. I wanted to focus on the unexpected relationships that can be formed in places where there is tragedy; how intense they can be, yet how transient. Her relationship with Homa in some ways reflects the redeeming nature of friendship, however short-lived it might be. Sabrina, like so many of us, is lonely and suffers feelings of emotional displacement, not least because her parents are always at each other’s throat. So, it felt fitting that I should put my character in a situation where her life is mirrored by someone who is physically displaced.

It’s often in the worst of situations that you’ll be able to see the best of humanity. For me, visiting the camp and writing this story just reminded me of the lessons we can teach each other about resilience, defiance and, most importantly, hope.



Thank you, Ayisha! Do follow Ayisha on Twitter and check out the other #ChangeBook blog tour stops listed below! A Change Is Gonna Come is published by Stripes Publishing on 10th August. 

REVIEW: A Change Is Gonna Come by Various

A Change Is Gonna Come the anthology of short stories and poems written by 12 BAME authors and published by Stripes Publishing is my favourite book of the year so far.  I hoped it'd be great when I first heard of it and I had high expectations for it, for sure.  But I wasn't quite prepared for how important and inspiring it'd be until I finally sat down to read it.

I loved it so very much.

I think there was just something special about reading so many stories in one collection with people of colour as protagonists. Like, I didn't even realise how emotional that would make me.  Because it's so very much not what I'm used to.  Being mixed-race has meant that so often I don't see myself in the books that I read and it isn't until I come across a book like this that these strong feelings come out.  And this book is such a celebration. I felt weepy reading it. But also inspired. Each of the short stories and poems in this book were really well-written and providing such a wonderful emotional arc within not very many pages.  I love how empowering this book felt, how emotional it is, how important it is.

Aside from it being a collection of short stories and the occasional poem about people of colour, the first story is also about a girl with OCD and the story by Tanya Byrne is about lesbians.  And I cheered at this. Both mentally and probably literally when I read that. I want more intersectional stories in my life. I need them.

While a lot of the stories were contemporary there was also some magical realism in there, a story about time travel and kind of a dystopian read, Catherine Johnson's story is inspired by actual historical events. And I liked that things got changed up like that. That each of the authors had their own visions for 'change' and what that means.  Some of the stories centred around race issues: Nikesh Shukla's story is about a friendship falling apart after Brexit; Ayisha Malik's story is about visiting the Calais refugee camp.  I thought it was great that this book took into account such current events but also that the stories balanced out being serious and playful whilst all being hopeful at the same time.

There aren't that many books about or by people of colour in the UK right now.  So this book feels like such a necessity. Representation matters.  People of all ages need to see themselves in books.  I hope A Change Is Gonna Come signals actual change amongst publishing in this country. I, for one, read this absolutely amazing anthology and I felt utterly inspired.

A Coming Out Post

Let me just give it to you straight: I'm bisexual. I am interested in both men and women sexually and romantically. 

And it took me 33 long years to figure that out about myself.  I'm 35 now and I worked it out last year and I have told some people in my life. But I'd never really considered shouting about it publicly like this.  Only I started to think ... why did it take me so long to realise this aspect of my identity? And I also thought perhaps there are other people like me? I don't want to make a big thing of it, not really. But I also just wanted to be a little bit more open on this blog and on spaces where I feel comfortable to acknowledge this. To celebrate it even.

I can't remember when it was. But sometime on Twitter ages ago a friend of mine tweeted something along the lines of realising as an adult that they were bisexual.  I sent a DM to acknowledge the tweet and to say Hey! Me too! but then didn't really think much of it until recently.  (Except I did think then, as I've often thought, other people are so much more braver than I am about speaking loudly and proudly about themselves and their experiences.)

In some ways I feel like kicking myself.  For being oblivious for so long, for not figuring it out even though all the signs pointed in the same direction.  But it's hard, you know?

When I think back on my life and about all the reasons I might not have realised until I was in my 30s, I came across two important things. The first is that my dad was a major influence in my life.  He had some amazing qualities and attributes. But he also didn't.  One of the more negative aspects of my dad and the way he raised me is that he was homophobic.  He'd make lots of comments growing up relating these homophobic views and what I've realised now is that I'd internalised his homophobia.  Without even being aware of it.  His comments and general attitude towards the LGBT community made me bury my feelings and even experiences for a very long time.

My first sexual experience was with another girl as a teenager. It's not something that I think I've ever spoken about to anybody except the girl it happened with and not even that much with her.  I'd always just forgotten that it had happened or didn't count it, not even in my own head.  I also look back now and with this new perspective realise that some (but not all!) of those intense female friendships I had growing up were so intense, on my part at least, partially because feelings were involved.  The one that sticks in my head is the female friendship that ended because I was acting like a jealous, needy girlfriend without actually being her girlfriend and then emotionally falling apart like we'd broken up afterwards.

I remember working in a bookstore when Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan was first published and a friend and colleague being really excited about it and me being very much not as excited.  That's such a hard thing to admit. I judge myself for that.  It was a turning point though.  Because I realised at that point how close-minded I was, how I shouldn't have had the reaction that I did towards this book or towards the idea of more LGBT story lines in books.  I realised then that I didn't want to be someone who hated others for their sexuality.  I ended up reading Boy Meets Boy specifically in order to prove a point to myself.  And it's an adorable book.  I won't tell you that things changed overnight, of course they didn't.  But I can tell you wholeheartedly that my own views have changed drastically since the publication of Boy Meets Boy. I didn't realise then that what I really hated was this aspect of my own self.

As time went on, I became more supportive of LGBT issues.  It was a gradual process. Nobody's perfect, right?  And I was working against decades of ingrained hatred.  Which is why it took so long to get to where I am today.

But another issue, for sure, is that there was a huge lack of bisexual role models in my life (not to mention gay role models, lesbian role models, trans role models, asexual role models etc. But I'm going to focus on bisexual role models for the rest of this post).  As a child, as a teenager, as an adult.  I can only think of a small handful of characters in TV programmes or movies.  A smaller number of bisexual characters in the books I'd read.  I remember the first time a bisexual character actually had an impact on me personally.  And that's when I read Far From You by Tess Sharpe. I read that book and raved about it. I still rave about it.  In hindsight I can see that it was really the first book that got to me.  Far From You was the first book I read where I really identified with the main character's bisexuality (even if I wasn't actually ready then to identify with it). Another turning point. That book was published what? three years ago? And here I am just getting to that point where I'm ready.

But I often think ... what if someone like Sophie came to me earlier in life?  What if I'd met her when I was 14 right after my same-sex sexual experience? What if I had people in my life that said 'It's okay to be you, it's okay to be bisexual' ?  What if I'd had that representation I so desperately would have wanted or needed?  How different would my life be? I guess it doesn't matter. I can't change the way things happened in my own life.  But I hope desperately that it can be different in other people's lives. That young people now can experience acceptance, can experience celebration of all sexualities and can really see themselves, however they are, represented in in all forms of entertainment. Let it be so.

REVIEW: Girlhood by Cat Clarke

Cat Clarke is definitely one of my favourite authors. I love her characters and relationships and I'll always be excited to read more of her stories.  Just as I was excited to read Girlhood especially with the boarding school element to it.

While Girlhood didn't quite reach the emotional impact as some of the author's previous stories there is still so much emotion in this book and a lot to love about it.

My top five reasons to love this story include (but aren't limited to)

1) the boarding school element
2) an addition to the first reason is that this boarding school is set in this Scottish wilderness, which makes it that little bit more ...wild?
3) the friendships, which I think is what keeps drawing me back to Cat Clarke's stories
4) the issues that this book tackles including an eating disorder, grief, guilt and also ...gaslighting
5) the diversity of the characters including sexuality, race and differing economic backgrounds.

What even is it about boarding school stories that are such a pull to me and to so many other readers? They're just so addictive to read and the boarding school within Girlhood is no exception. Here are a bunch of girls all living together away from their parents, having this little bit of freedom and independence. And I think the fact that this is a boarding school in Scotland and in this particular location makes it even more fun.  Because of that there are secret caves and spooky nooks and crannies within the building, ghost stories that can be pulled out to scare.

The main character in Girldhood is Harper.  She's come to Duncraggan Academy for a new start.  She's still haunted by the death of her twin sister, Jenna and Harper still carries feelings of both grief and guilt for her part in Jenna's death. But she's found a great, close group of friends and things seem mostly okay ...until the arrival of new girl, Kirsty Connor, shakes things up.

As I said, one of my favourite elements to this story are the friendships.  Harper's friends are pretty amazing: supportive and togethery and you can tell immediately how much they mean to Harper. But you can see with the arrival of Kirsty that cracks start appearing in Harper's friendship group.  But can it be so easy to destroy a friendship?  I'd also not heard that much about gas-lighting before, the manipulative tricks that are employed to cause unease and self-doubt.  I thought it was interestingly done in Girlhood.  It kept me reading and wanting to know more. But I also loved that this is a book not only about the slow destruction of friendships but about building new ones and building on existing friendships.

And finally, thank you to Cat Clarke for writing diversity into this book without having it be a thing in the book.  There are bisexual characters in this book and people of colour but these things are secondary to the main plot line.  I love that.  The only bit I will mention specifically is that Harper does struggle in coming from a middle class background and adjusting into a community mostly made up of far wealthier classmates and friends even though her own circumstances had changed to match those of her friends.  And I found that particularly interesting.

I really enjoyed Girlhood.  It was tense and engaging and I really do recommend it!

REVIEW: A Tragic Kind of Wonderful by Eric Lindstrom

Oh wow. I absolutely adored A Tragic Kind of Wonderful by Eric Lindstom. I had only read the author's debut book, Not If I See You First, earlier this year and I loved that too. So I requested A Tragic Kind of Wonderful based on the strength of his first book.  But when I found out that his new book is about a girl with bipolar disorder? I was immediately intrigued.  Books involving mental illnesses are amongst my favourite and I wanted to see how Eric Lindstrom would tackle the subject.  The result? was this wonderful, messy glimpse into Mel's life.

I say 'messy' because there's so much going on in this book.  It's obviously about Mel and Mel has bipolar disorder.  And while I loved the representation of that aspect of her life, I also really loved that the author explored Mel's life in so much other detail without it being too much, too heavy or too confusing to follow so many different strands to the story.

Because not only does Mel have bipolar disorder (that she was only diagnosed with recently!)  but she's also dealing with the grief of losing her older brother several years ago.  She's fallen out with her previous circle of friends once she was diagnosed because of her fear of them rejecting her but she's got a new set of friends now and she's wondering if she should admit her condition to them or risk losing them like the last bunch?  She's got kind of a complicated relationship within her family, especially with her aunt who also has bipolar disorder and a much different view of living with this illness.  AND! she meets a cute boy through one of the residents of the retirement home where she works. I loved how all the elements of this story are pulled together, I love that Eric Lindstrom provides this great, realistic glimpse into Mel's life, including all of the complications. Real life is messy and complicated and Mel's story reflects that.  And I hugely appreciated that.

Obviously bipolar is something that features strongly in this book.  Something that is brought up in this book which I hadn't seen before is this middle bit of bipolar which is in between the depressive episodes and the mania (the highs and lows!) and I don't think I've seen that written about or explored the way this book did.  Mel begins each chapter by comparing different aspects of her condition (mood, heart rate etc) with different animals and through the four different elements works out what type of state she's in and I found it all to be quite fascinating.  She's also seeing a therapist and I loved sitting in on some of those appointments.  Throughout the book, Mel also brings up her thoughts on medication and her Aunt has an opposing view which provided an interesting contrast.

There are some incredibly emotional aspects of the book that I felt were down to the great characterisation and also the great relationships.  In particular, I loved Mel's relationship with her aunt just because they're so different and it was interesting to me to see two people with bipolar but had such wildly differing experiences and opinions on how to deal with this disorder.  I also loved David, the love interest.  There's a great mini-story line that includes a toxic relationship which I found intriguing but I think my favourite relationships, by far, included Mel's relationships with the people that she works with in the retirement home. Silver Sands retirement home had some wonderful characters and Mel's friendship with retired psychiatrist, Dr. Oswald had me in tears.

This is such a wonderful book.  I loved so many elements of this book that I feel like I could talk endlessly about this book.  But I won't. I will just recommend it very highly!

REVIEW: The Jungle by Pooja Puri

The Jungle by Pooja Puri was a really interesting read. It felt difficult to read at times but I also felt like it needed to be read.  Because this is a book about the Calais refugee camp.  And as we follow the main character, Mico, through his day-to-day struggles we get a heartbreaking glimpse into the lives and experiences of the refugees.

There wasn't much of a plot to The Jungle.  But I'm not sure it matters so much.  At the heart of the book is 16 year old Mico, who left his family and home in the search of something better, opportunities not available to him in his home country.  And what he finds is The Jungle. He's one of the youngsters of the camp, with no adults to protect him but he does end up sharing a tent with two adult men and the three of them do share food and look out for each other.

You get a good sense whilst reading The Jungle of what life is like in this refugee camp.  There are a lack of resources, the living conditions aren't great, there are too many people. There's almost a sense of hopelessness, a sense of resignation.  But there's also a spark there, a fire.  Mico is dead-set on finding away out of this camp.  And he'll try just about anything to be free.  At the start of the novel he's attempting to steal from the 'Ghost Men' who control more than they should of the movements of people within The Jungle.  Further along in the story, he attempts a deadly jump onto a moving train.  But it's the arrival of Leila and the subsequent friendship between her and Mico that really builds Mico's hope.

This book was definitely a difficult book to read. But I think my favourite aspect of the story is that through Mico's travels he comes across many different people all in the same situation.  With different backgrounds and all with their own stories to tell, with their own terrors and traumas that they're faced with.  And I thought it was important to be present and read such stories. Though the Calais Refugee Camp has since been shut down and the refugees have been resettled elsewhere this is still a very topical issue and concern across many countries.  And more needs to be done.

REVIEW: When Dimple Met Rishi by Sandhya Menon

Never was there a more adorable book than When Dimple Met Rishi by Sandhya Menon. I heard it would be cute ...but until I read it I didn't quite believe it could be as cute as it was.  Believe the hype on this one, it really is hugely adorable.

I think the thing that really hooked me into reading this book is ... how on earth are they going to sell an arranged marriage in this day and age as something relevant?  I usually think of arranged marriages as something kind of outdated, something our parents might have done (and N's parents did have an arranged marriage!) So I thought Sandya Menon really had her work cut out for her trying to make Dimple and Rishi and the idea of an arranged marriage between two teenagers in the 21st century fit into this fun contemporary YA story believable.  And I'm absolutely sure that it was managed!  I just ...fell utterly and entirely in love with this story and I'm so glad that I've read it.

So this story is about Dimple, an Indian American girl in the summer before university who is about to head off to a summer programme for coders.  Her parents don't really get her and she's so shocked and surprised that they're so accepting of this summer programme but Dimple is just so grateful and relieved to be going to it that she just takes her parents' approval all kind of at face-value. ...Until she meets Rishi. And it all falls into place.  Because Rishi is the epitome of a Good Indian Husband that Dimple's mom keeps hinting at.  And when Rishi proposes there and then, Dimple reckons this summer couldn't get any worse...

I love, love, love this story. I'm not sure that I can convey that enough.  Because I love Dimple.  She's so driven and ambitious and she's working so hard to go against what she thinks is her parents' outdated concepts of being a woman and wearing make-up and needing a man in her life.  She's gone to this summer programme with the intention of winning and meeting her idol and getting a head start on what she really wants out of life: independence and a career she's passionate about. But ...being partnered with Rishi on a project means spending more time with him and realising that there's more to him than just being her mother's idea of Good Husband Material.

And I think Rishi is the highlight of the book for me.  He's definitely a bit of an enigma at first. He's really into the idea of an arranged marriage, and has traditional ideas of what he wants out of life.  But he's also kind and funny and says the most amazingly sarcastic things to people in such a friendly manner that it can be a bit misleading.  You can tell he wants to please his parents and his family and I love that with Dimple's influence Rishi is able to see that there are things he wants for himself too rather than remaining down the practical routes his parents have laid out for him.

This book was ridiculously cute.  It was funny, it was sweet and romantic. I loved the build-up in this relationship between Dimple and Rishi. I love that it's very much a romance story but also has a great stance on gender and culture and privilege.  All my love for this book!

REVIEW: Our Own Private Universe by Robin Talley

Robin Talley is one of those authors where I read one amazing book by her, Lies We Tell Ourselves, and then got increasingly excited for anything she writes after that (I have two more of her books unread on my shelves that I bought almost without knowing the premise of the stories). And while there are definitely elements of Our Own Private Universe that I really, really loved ... there were also elements to this story that I really didn't.

Our Own Private Universe is set during the summer in Mexico. The main character, Aki, is spending the summer with her youth church group doing odd jobs for a community in Mexico. She's sort of hoping that this summer is the summer that Aki will stop living hypothetically and will start actually living. Including putting to the test her own bisexuality. Which she feels is the right label for her ... but how does she really know without ever kissing a girl? or anything else?

Let's start with the things I didn't quite love first... I didn't much care for the characters or their interactions with each other. Mainly the three main characters, Aki and her best friend, Lori and Aki's love interest for the summer, Christa.  I felt like there was so much ...pettiness and arguing and keeping secrets and just needless drama then there needed to be. I felt weighed down by it in the end. The ridiculous lies told, the keeping of important truths.  All three of them were guilty of it and I'm not sure how necessary it was? Sure, every story needs conflict but was this just over the top conflict for the sake of having conflict?  I can't tell. But all this extra drama also made me question the ages of these girls. They felt much younger which made me feel uncomfortable. Shame this was quite pervasive throughout the story.

Moving on.  What I did love, I really loved, as I said.  The first is the exploration of Aki's sexuality.  I've never read a YA book that discussed safe sex practices amongst lesbians in the way Our Own Private Universe did.  And then (slight spoiler alert) to have a character educate herself on the risks involved in lesbian sex, obtain dental dams and rubber gloves, and then use them was pretty exceptional to me. It felt important and worthy to see this carried out and being discussed.

I also loved the exploration of faith within a multicultural environment and the ways in which teenagers in general combine their own faiths with that of sexuality in particular. One of the things that is brought up and is a very main story line are quite political discussions that are being brought up amongst the church community to agree on.  And I loved that quite a lot of this story line revolves around the political engagement of young people on a vast array of socially important subjects from same sex marriage to armed police, war, and health care in struggling nations such as Mexico.  I loved seeing how passionate everyone got and it really made my heart soar to see so many teenagers rally around these subjects and want their voices to be heard, wanting to educate about certain topics.  The youth will save us.

So all in all, kind of a mixed bag on this one. I wanted to love it more than I did but felt letdown by the childishness and dramatics of the main characters. BUT! there was enough amongst the rest of the story to keep me reading. And perhaps, who knows? You might enjoy it too.

REVIEW: The Names They Gave Us by Emery Lord

I had high hopes for reading The Names They Gave Us by Emery Lord. Especially after reading her previous book, When We Collided last year and loving it.  Usually high expectations usually leave me a little wary for starting a book ... but I jumped straight in with this one. And I'm pretty sure it'll end up being one of my favourite books of the year.

I just felt like there were so many elements to this story that I loved so much. I loved the main character, Lucy. I loved her relationship with her parents (but especially her mother). I loved the aspect of faith that is brought up in the book and also the stereotypes that are smashed. I loved that this book is primarily set at summer camp (summer camp!) and the levels of diversity that appear (race, sexuality, gender, mental illness, differing economic backgrounds and experiences).  I loved the friendships, the romantic elements of it. I just had tears right up to the end and I could have read Emery Lord's words and Lucy's story for far longer if I could.

Lucy herself is pretty great. There's so much growth going on with her in this book.  She starts off being a little ...rigid in who she is. A schedule, a plan. A perfect boyfriend, a summer planned at religious camp with her parents.  But then Lucy's mother's cancer reappears and Lucy's life is completely shaken up.  Her faith is tested and her mom asks Lucy to be a counsellor at a camp for troubled teens this summer and Lucy cannot refuse her mom anything. Plus, her boyfriend 'pauses' their relationship for the summer.

So begins this momentous summer. I love that Lucy is very much sheltered at the beginning of this book and her privilege has kept her so.  I even love that she shows off some of her judgey ways like when confronted with a teen girl at this new camp who is pregnant and ...Lucy has all her pre-conceived notions handed back to her throughout the course of the story. I also loved the other counsellors and how much passion they put into caring for the campers, doing what's right by them, fighting for their corners.

I was amazed by how emotional this story is.  With the cancer, but also other family secrets. The agony of falling in love, finding that circle of friends where you belong and be accepted, the stories of the campers.  I truly loved this book.

REVIEW: One Italian Summer by Keris Stainton

I downloaded One Italian Summer by Keris Stainton off Netgalley awhile back and after mentioning it on Twitter, I got a message from the author. She very kindly informed me that One Italian Summer is very much a book about grief and she knew of the losses I've faced this year.  But when I finally sat down to tackle some of my Netgalley reading this year ... this is the book that I gravitated towards anyway.  I think I wanted to read a book about loss and grief, if only to see if these characters felt at all like how I felt.  It felt like there could be comfort in that as well as heartbreak.

And you know what? I really loved this book.  It is a book about loss and grief. It's a book about struggling to move on from it.  It's also a book  about sisters and kissing and it's set in Italy and is about figuring out important life stuff.  I liked how it was about all of that.  Plus, it just felt like a comfort.  The main character in One Italian Summer is Millie. She's got two sisters, Leonie and Elyse and their dad died the previous year. They're all headed off to Italy where they have so many memories and family history involving their dad and the entire family are dealing with his death in their own ways.

I loved Millie and her sisters. They felt so real to me. The way they bicker with each other, the way Leonie is pretty gross. The closeness, the teasing, the secrets. I think I'll always love books involving sisters, which is sort of weird as I don't have sisters of my own. But I feel like if I did, they'd be like these three girls.  My only sort of complaint about the book though is that I couldn't actually tell until much later in the book how old each of the girls were until it specifically mentions it halfway to three quarters of the way through. Sometimes it felt like Leonie and Elyse were maybe twins? Sometimes it felt like Leonie was way younger than the other two and I had to keep readjusting my mental image of them all when I came across new scraps of information regarding age.

In terms of the grief aspects of the book, I kind of loved that this book is set a year after their dad dies. So often stories like this are told sooner when the loss is more sudden, the grief more raw. But I liked that the sisters' feelings are a year old. And still painful, still able to cause heartache. It's a year on and Millie's mum is still kind of vacant and using work to hide from facing up to her feelings. There were things said about their dad that made me hurt.  The silly little stories they remembered, the made-up words, the special moments shared between them all. The not wanting to let go. They end up talking to people that their dad knew before and one of the girls gets all excited about a story that isn't very exciting ... but it's something new that they didn't know before. And I completely relate to that feeling. I know what that excitement is like.

I also, of course loved Millie's complicated relationship with Luke. Someone she had history with from the previous summer and now they're both thrown together in the same place and don't know what to do about each other. I loved that delicious awkwardness at first, that underlying embarrassment together with yearning anyway. And Italy! How have I not mentioned Italy as yet?! Italy has to be one of my favourite places ever and reading about Rome and Positano made me want to visit all over again.

I'm sorry for the scattiness of this review. I'm out of practice. But if you couldn't tell, I did love this book. And I very much recommend it.

REVIEW: The One Memory of Flora Banks by Emily Barr

The One Memory of Flora Banks by Emily Barr was ... a very different read.  It was unexpected.  And I definitely think that how different I thought this book would be is the reason that I was so attracted to reading it in the first place.  And while I did like it, I wasn't entirely blown away by the story of by Flora Banks. But I wanted to be.

This is the story of Flora Banks, 17, and she is someone who has anterrograde amnesia, which means that she has no permanent memories before 7 years ago when she was in an accident.  She can only hold new information in her head for a very short period of time, at the most several hours.  So to get by, she writes notes on her arms and post-it notes, takes pictures on her phone, writes in a diary etc filling herself in on the events and important stuff between then and now. She's on medication, she's well looked after by her parents and her best friend. We meet Flora at a party, her hands say 'Be brave' and she goes onto leave the party and kisses a boy on a beach.  Unfortunately it happens to be Flora's best friend's boyfriend who she kisses but the thing to be taken from that night is that Flora remembers the boy, she remembers the kiss, the beach, all the details of that interaction.

The thing with her memory though means that as the narrator to this story, Flora loses a lot of information.  Which she then relearns shortly after and that makes Flora's story really quite repetitive in parts which felt grating in the middle.  I also found Flora's voice to be hard and factual which made it difficult for me to warm to her. I also wasn't thrilled with the idea of her chasing down a boy with her 'this boy will save me' thoughts but I felt like that was at least handled towards the end.  The only relationship I wanted to explore more (as I didn't love Drake with the same fervour as Flora!) is the one with Jacob, her brother.  This book needed more Jacob, in my opinion.

I think the thing in particular that I loved the most about Flora is that she is courageous.  She really takes that 'Be Brave' on her hand to heart and instead of cowering indoors where she knows she'll be safe, she continuously tries to do different things, change herself, her circumstances and her life.  Going so far as trying to track her brother, Jacob, down, as far as experiencing new things and tracking a boy down to the Arctic in order to find out more answers about why this kiss stuck in her head when other memories did not. I loved that about her.  I wish more people were a little bit more Flora.

This book was a definitely interesting read. I'm glad to have to read it, I just wish things had been slightly different.

This book was read and counts towards the British Books Challenge 2017.